For years my husband and I were very close with a couple who lived in another city. We travelled together, visited each other often, and spoke on the phone constantly. The relationship was initially through the men, who had met years before and become friends. They had lost touch, but somehow reconnected and introduced us women to each other and the foursome was born.

I adored the wife. She was kind, generous, fun-loving and brilliant. And always up for a laugh. Her friendship, and the couple friendship, was one in a million. I was always so thankful for our little group. She died tragically about eight years ago and we were all heartbroken. That year, we just kept visiting him as he never wanted to leave his home, fearing, I think, he would feel he was abandoning her memory.

We finally got him to see that she would have wanted him to come to us, to be with us, to do fun things with us, and to continue to live his life. The next few years were good, though our trio was clearly imbalanced, and her absence was highlighted.

Recently, however, he has met a new woman and is enjoying a new relationship. We are happy for him, of course, as he is still young and should share his life with someone. And we know that his wife would have wanted that for him, too. The first time we met the new woman, we saw the attraction and we thought she was nice. The second time, we spent a little more time together and we enjoyed her company.

The problem is that now she doesn’t want to spend time with us. She doesn’t want to be part of our group. And we are seeing our friend less and less.

What can we do?

Second loss

These situations are tricky because this new woman had/has a life of her own, independent of your friend. You mentioned you are all now in your 60s, so she’s had plenty of years without you. She may have a wide circle of her own friends, a large family, a busy career, children, etc. Slotting herself into her boyfriend’s dead wife’s shoes probably isn’t her cup of tea.

Plan to go to them, as you often do, and request to go out for dinner with some of her friends, so it’s not just the four of you. If she sees that you’re willing and able to get along with her people, it could endear you to her more. Also, find an opportunity to chat with her. Tell her how happy you are for your friend that he has found someone special. Explain to her that you get it, that you understand what you and your husband represent, but impress upon her that you’re willing to create new memories and a new group with her. And that diminishing your time with him seems like another loss that you aren’t willing to adjust to.

Hopefully she will be generous of spirit and see how much your friendship means to her new boyfriend, and, that she has the confidence to handle that.

I’m a divorced mom of a disabled son and interested in meeting someone kind who understands our situation. I notice you recently responded to a dad in my position. How can we meet?

Single

There must be support groups in your area for parents of special needs children. And, of course, there are many dating sites for those looking for love. If you keep putting yourself out there and tell your friends and family that you’re looking to date, you’ll have a better chance of meeting someone. Be patient, not picky.

FEEDBACK Regarding the double religion (Nov. 27):

Reader – “My first question is who initiated the Santa? If it was the wife, then I totally agree with Lisi’s response. But if it was the children, then he really needs to think about his response and actions.

“Are they genuinely interested?  Or just trying to fit in with their friends?  Their children are only mentioned as being young.  But, even at relatively young ages kids start wanting to fit in.

“Consider our multicultural society.  About 20 years ago I noticed the neighbour across the street putting up and turning on Christmas lights in October.  Around the same time, I started to become aware of Diwali.

“Take caution too, especially if the idea was the children’s’. Saying or doing anything could effectively push them away from his religious views.”

Lisi – I strongly recommend premarital discussions when creating an interfaith union.