Years ago, I met my wife while buying flowers on the street in Oregon. We dated, fell in love, married and had three children. We had a wonderful life!
When the youngest was a year, and the oldest was just about to start school, I got transferred to another country. My wife and I talked about all the pros and cons, and we agreed to give it a two-year trial. We also agreed not to even discuss the potential of moving back to Oregon until the end of the first year.
It started off great! I loved my new job, the kids were easy and happy, and my wife seemed happy. But halfway through year two, my wife started to act strangely. She wasn’t begging to leave and feeling stuck; it was deeper than that. Then one day I came home from work and found my three kids, aged two and a half, four and seven, alone, eating dry cereal out of a box and watching TV. When I asked where mommy was, they just shrugged.
She was missing for a week - of course I assumed the worst because she would NEVER leave her children alone like that - until she was found in a psychotic state on the other side of the city, in a country where she knew no one. After we had gone through the potential criminal aspect, and made sure that physically she was fine, and after weeks in the hospital, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Her parents want her at home to care for her and get the treatment they believe she can receive there. My job is taking off here and the children are happy. I don’t want to go back. What do I do?
Life Explosion
This is indeed a volcanic eruption in your life (and obviously hers and the children’s). Do you believe that your wife would be better off at home with her parents to care for her? Are her parents insisting you bring the children home? Is your wife at all aware of what she’s going through, and has she stated where she wants to be?
It’s hard to give you advice without knowing some of these answers. However, I’ll extrapolate from the information I have. If you had preplanned to return, then that’s what you should do. But if you had agreed to stay, and you’re feeling successful in your career, and the children are settled, then I think you can stay, at least for the time being.
Your wife needs care. Bipolar disorder can be managed with proper understanding, care and treatment, which often includes prescribed medications. But it can take a while to settle down, until the right doses are found, and the person feels calm within themselves. It may be very helpful for your wife to not have the three children around while she goes through this discovery.
On the other hand, it can be devastating for mothers to not have access to their children. I’m hoping you have an excellent relationship with your in-laws and can calmly discuss your wife’s care with them AND a mental health professional.
As the sole income earner, your career matters; as does the health and happiness of the children; and your wife’s mental health diagnosis. It will be a balancing act, and a trial period before you figure out what’s best for EVERYONE.
FEEDBACK Regarding ghosted friendship (April 11):
Reader – “Happened to me too. Over 60 years of friendship. I reached out after a year and we have reconnected. Turned out a family member of mine had caused this. But the damage had been done.”
FEEDBACK Regarding curious senior (April 14):
Reader – “The term my mother coined was ‘Some-zimers’ (meaning ‘some of the time,’ but NOT all the time like Alzheimer’s).
“The key is to keep active physically and mentally. Reading regularly, word (crossword) or numerical (Sudoku) puzzles are also helpful. And engaging in social activities (social isolation is a MAJOR concern for seniors).
“My mother was ‘forgetful’ for over 20 years prior to her passing. The other big question, is there any history of dementia or Alzheimer’s in her family? If so, how many of the 8 A’s of dementia is she ticking?
“But I think my more applicable response would be ‘welcome to old age.’ You are NOT alone. Listen to some comedy routines of slightly older comedians.
“Before talking to any doctor, I would discuss with friends and family. Are they noticing anything of concern? Friends of similar age will very likely have their own stories. Laugh together.”