Years ago, I was engaged to a woman I loved. We thought we had our whole lives planned out. We discussed everything. We knew how many kids we wanted and where we wanted to live.
But I didn’t realize that, though I loved her, I wasn’t being true to myself. We hired a party planner to help with the wedding and she introduced us to a designer. I knew from the moment I met him that I shouldn’t be marrying my fiancée. He and I began spending lots of time together, my wife got suspicious, and we broke up before we’d spent too much money on the wedding that was never going to happen.
For years she refused to speak to me. She married, had children and moved on with her life. My life got complicated. I dated the designer for a while, but when the novelty wore off, I recognized that I didn’t really enjoy the gay party scene and still craved a quiet, family home. I stayed in my lane for years, looking for Mr. Right, but never found him.
About a year ago, I met a woman who stole my heart. Her husband had passed away when her two children were just babies, and she was lonely, kind and warm. I was honest with her from almost our first encounter. Now we’re together and life is good.
But in the past two months, I’ve bumped into my ex three times and each time is more awkward than the last. Why can’t I just be civil and friendly? Why do I freeze? I need help.
Life’s Journey
You said it yourself in your sign off – life is a journey. It’s not about labels, gender or sexuality. Living a good life is being true to yourself, surrounding yourself with people who love you and whom you love, laughter, joy and finding your own path.
Clearly the first relationship wasn’t meant to be. But from her viewpoint, I imagine she feels you were living a lie and then cheated on her with a man. I understand how that would be very upsetting to her. No one likes to be dumped or cheated on. I also imagine she took solace that you left her, not because of who she is but based on her gender. That’s easier to swallow. It’s far less personal.
So, to see you years later with another woman, and children, is probably very confusing for her and maybe still painful even after all these years. I suggest you find your inner strength and say hello. Cut through the small talk and say, “I know this is probably confusing for you and I’d love the chance to tell you my story.”
She may tell you to leave her alone, or she may be intrigued. But not talking is childish and immature.
My brother moved down to our basement halfway through high school. We call it his lair. No one goes down there much, at least I don’t. It smells.
Last week I was home from school with a cold. My mom went to the store, and I was alone, bored. I decided to do some crafting and went down to the basement to get supplies. Instead, I found a huge bag of pot and a bong.
My mom returned, and I didn’t hear her. She came down looking for me and saw what I saw. My brother got in big trouble. He says it’s my fault and won’t talk to me.
Sibling Fighting
It’s not your fault that your parents found his stash, if he left it out in the open. That was his careless mistake. He lives in the basement of your family home, NOT in his own apartment.
FEEDBACK Regarding double religion (Nov. 27):
Reader – “Your advice to the spouse was talk it over. I'm in a double religion relationship; two very different ones. We celebrate both! Everyone of all ages is happy and loves the new experiences.”
Double religion, double fun
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Reader – “Absolutely loved your response! My husband and I cook and bake with our grandkids, including one fussy eater. They enjoy talking about our successes and the failures are even funnier!”
FEEDBACK Regarding the controlling wife (Nov. 30):
Reader – “While it can have a few advantages for a man to pee sitting down, I have no doubt that woman's sister’s reason for making him do it has nothing to do with her husband’s health. Let's call it what it really is: abusive emasculating controlling behaviour on her part and nothing else