I recently bumped into a woman I knew when we were kids. She was older than me and one of the coolest women I know, though we were only teenagers. She had long hair that she let flow naturally, had a twinkle in her eye and always, always had a huge smile.

I didn’t see her once she went to university but would hear stories of her life through mutual friends. She travelled, lived in exotic locales, and was always part of someone’s fun travel story. I heard she had a few children and brought them with her wherever she went.

When I saw her recently, I recognized her immediately but was shocked by what I saw. She still has that natural long hair, but it’s grey and unkempt. Her twinkle is gone and her smile non-existent. When I asked why she was in town, she replied that she had moved back. When I asked what she was up to, she replied, “This and that.”

The once exotic and mysterious woman had become a sad shell of herself, and I was utterly shocked. I kept a smile, gave her a hug and exclaimed how nice it was to see her again. But the whole thing made me very sad.

Should I have asked her what happened?

Glamour Gone

No, you shouldn’t have asked her private questions that are none of your business, when you’re not friends, simply acquaintances from years gone by. She obviously didn’t want to give you more information than she imparted. Yes, it’s sad when someone who shines so bright has their light dimmed and dulled. Unfortunately, life can be difficult for some. I’m not being blasé…. I don’t know what befell her. But she certainly didn’t want to share it with you at that moment.

Be grateful for your own life. Try to shine your own light brighter. And hope that whatever changed her can change again.

My daughter-in-law is so rude to me, and I don’t know how to address it. We have never become overly close in all the years we have been family. We don’t live in the same city, and they chose not to have children which means we don’t have grandchildren (from them) to dote on. As a result, we spend much more time with my other son and daughter-in-law, who do have children and live around the corner from us.

Recognizing this imbalance in the ability to spend time together, I will often give my DIL a call. She is cold and curt on the phone. I’ve also invited her on three different mother/daughter (in-law) trips, which I thought would be fun bonding. She only joined for the second one and left early.

I send her gifts, just because, and she rarely acknowledges receipt. What am I doing wrong?

Mother-in-law

I think you’re trying too hard. This woman is ungrateful and undeserving of all your attention. I understand why you made huge efforts in the beginning, but to not say thank you for a gift sent is just unacceptable.

Before you write her off completely, ask your son what his take is on the relationship. Maybe he has some insight as to why his wife stays at arm’s length from you. Also, find out what your other DIL has done to maintain their relationship (assuming the sisters-in-law communicate).

If this woman just has no interest in becoming close with you, then let it go. I get that it’s hurtful and not what you would have wanted. But you can’t force people to have a relationship with you, no matter who they are.

Shower the ones you love with love, and you’ll get it back tenfold from the grandchildren. Enjoy them!

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman appalled by her colleague’s odour (Nov. 30):

Reader – “As for the woman who had issues with a guy's emanating bad odour, she should have been up front but gentle with her words. She also shouldn't assume she is the problem; the other woman might have trouble with her sense of smell.

“Why does she feel badly because she cannot find anything bad about him?  Does she expect to find a perfect lover?  One issue I have with women whom I have cared about is how judgemental they are and how quick they are to reject a person.  They pretend to want your company, or your knowledge, then reject you if you express interest in them.

“Though you mean well in encouraging her to be hopeful and keep looking, how can you suggest there is someone out there for her?   To give someone false hope is destructive in a way.”