I met this guy online on a dating site. We’re both in our 30s, he’s two years older than me.
He “liked” me and initiated contact. I liked him back. We exchanged messages for a week, then he asked for my phone number so we could text, which we did for one month.
He was very sweet and funny and I thought we’d get along great in real life. When I suggested we meet up, he agreed.
On the day that we were to meet, he texted me last minute at 2am that he was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it. I didn’t know whether to believe him.
It made me upset that he waited so late to cancel. Anyhow, I told him it was no problem and suggested we could meet the following weekend. He immediately said that he had to go snowboarding with friends.
I’m wondering if I should just forget about this guy. I feel like he wasted my time and has no intention of actually meeting.
Funny thing, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me where a guy has cancelled the day we were to meet. Why do guys do this?
Guys aren’t the only ones doing the ghosting or last-minute cancels between people who’ve “met” online only.
There’s no one answer that would cover everyone’s reason for why, but there are obvious likely factors:
1) panic about showing up and revealing that he/she isn’t as has been said or described online; 2) fear of the meeting not working out; 3) the person’s involved/married etc. and suddenly gets cold feet about being discovered cheating… and more.
Remember this about early online-only “relationships:” It’s not real until you’ve actually met. Even face-time chats don’t show you the totality of how a person lives, treats others, their inner character.
You may find it hard to believe due to the immediate disappointment, but when someone suddenly runs from a first real-life meeting, you’re lucky to not be getting further involved.
There’s too much baggage there, and too little honesty to make meeting him worthwhile.
I suffer bipolar disorder and take medication, however my tendencies are more towards the depressive part of the bipolarity (yet I still get some manic episodes).
I can’t stop being too touchy, too annoying or too hyper whenever I’m manic, so I can’t keep friends close to me. I don’t want to be this way.
I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t know how to change that over-friendly part of me.
I’ve not gone to my psychiatrist or my therapist in a long time, and I think that might be taking a toll on me since my depressive episodes are lasting longer and becoming stronger.
Perhaps it’s because I’m trying to study and work at the same time. I don’t want to be this way; I’m tired of being me.
Wishing To Be Normal
Your psychiatrist and your therapist are your best resources for help. They’ll know whether the stress of school and work has to be lessened (perhaps divided into two phases, where you work to save money, then get back to your studies).
The psychiatrist will study your medications and know if adjustments are needed.
The therapist will help you recognize your triggers to manic behaviour as well as depression, and help find your comfortable “normal.”
Also, consider joining a support group of other people dealing with similar aspects of bipolar disorder.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mature woman who’s wondering about her “expectations” with a man who stayed 15 years with an abusive wife and takes care of his mother (March 11):
Reader – “It seems that the new boyfriend is a co-dependent, given his willingness to stay in a toxic previous relationship and his need to help everyone.
“My only caution would be this: Does she realize what she’s getting into? In the beginning, the attention and being made to feel special is great.
“It’s not a bad thing - just something she should understand prior to getting too deeply involved.”
Ellie – Agreed, with added caution:
She has the advantage of some life experience to understand that she should take it slow, let their three-month connection grow, and give him time to heal through his counselling from his troubled past relationship.
That gives time for her to have her “expectations” become clear (long enough before planning a trip together).
Tip of the day:
When an online “friend” cancels just before meeting in person, you’re probably luckier than you think.