My boyfriend’s constantly calling me a liar, and asking, “Is that text from your other boyfriend?”
There are also constant questions about where I’ve been and what was I doing.
My answers are honest that I’ve been at work, and the texts are from family members, which he already knows.
My intuition has been correct that it’s been his way of saying, “I'm cheating, but I'm blaming you so I can't get caught.”
Now his cheating has been confirmed.
How should I ask my question: Why was he not honest with me?
I've already decided to end the relationship, which lacked trust.
Knowing how it was twisted back to cast blame on me, no way will I ever consider being with him again.
I want the satisfaction of letting him know that I know what he did. I’m not stupid.
Not The Cheater
You’re actually wise.
You saw through his accusations of cheating and blaming, to what professional therapists call “guilt transference.”
It’s common among people who refuse to take responsibility for their own misbehaviour.
But you’re not allowing yourself to be treated as a “victim.” You know that someone who can badger you and try to make you feel guilty of cheating cannot be a loving partner.
The deal-breaker here is that he doesn’t know how strong and smart you are. No need to ask why he wasn’t honest - he’s weak and all wrong for you.
I was happily married for 30 years until my husband died. Several years later I surprised myself by falling in love with a man I met through a mutual friend. We’re both energetic, healthy seniors who love adventure-travel.
We live in separate cities far apart. So we travel together a lot.
When we’re back at our separate homes (we each have family living nearby), he calls me every day even though he’s still busy with a business which his two daughters run.
Recently, he’s suddenly stopped calling for ten days! I’m too scared to call him and hear that it’s over!
(We’re not always attached to our phones like the younger generations, and we both don’t like texting.)
I fear that some local woman has displaced me!
I’m afraid it’s because he got tired of the separation periods due to distance.
Let’s be realistic here: It’s perfectly possible that the long-distance aspect of the relationship means he’s lonely when you two aren’t together.
And both of you have apparently shown no inclination toward moving to be together permanently.
Meanwhile, you can’t just sit around feeling helpless and lost. You must be the forthright, competent woman he thinks you are, and find out why he hasn’t called.
Don’t accuse him of anything, and don’t guess what are his reasons. Hold back any tears and simply ask the question.
It may be that he’s been overwhelmed with family and/or business matters. He may’ve tried to reach you a couple of times, missed you and gave up.
If it turns out that things are okay again between you two, some suggestions: In a relationship where phone contact is important, make a habit of checking for calls. If there’s a reason that you’re out of contact, tell him why.
Also, if the relationship grows and you need each other’s company more, start having stay-overs in each other’s cities.
Adventure travel is glorious, but relationships also need gentle time together, just being in the same place as a couple.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who believes her fiancé lied about the paternity of a child she’s helping raise (March 16):
Reader – “If he lied about his child to prevent her from leaving him, what other huge lies is he capable of? Does that type of lying make lying somehow acceptable?
“She deserves to know if that’s his child. Then she can ask if there are any other lies she should know about before they get married.
“She’s not suggesting she’ll leave him if the child is his, she simply wants the truth, and to let him know lying is unacceptable from now on.
“Without trust you have nothing and if he’s been lying, a relationship based on a lie is not a relationship.”
Ellie – She’s accepted the obvious truth for several years, still loves him and his child. She should inform him that she knows. I agree that she must insist he acknowledge it.
Tip of the day:
If a partner’s falsely accusing you of cheating, the motivation may be his/her own guilt.