My partner of six years and I are both in our 30s. We’re growing together and hoping to start a family soon.

He’s incredibly loving, supportive, fun — and he wants to try a threesome with another woman.

Intellectually, I’m pretty open to this. Also, I know that unexpressed and/or unfulfilled sexual desires can lead to dissatisfaction, infidelity, loss of trust, and even the loss of an otherwise deeply-rewarding partnership.

Emotionally, it’s a different story. It’s always seemed more like a fantasy than a real possibility.

But recently he’s started tentative plans (with my knowledge and consent) for us to spend time with a bisexual female colleague.

She and her girlfriend are keen on having a foursome with us. My partner is stoked. I’m freaking out.

The very thought that he’s ready and excited to act on sexual desires that are bigger than me and our relationship, is wreaking havoc on my mind and body.

It’s affecting my work, my home life, my appetite and sleep, and even my friendships. I’m scared to talk about this with close friends for fear that they’ll lose respect for my partner — and me.

Luckily, my partner’s very open to discussing what’s now become a regular topic of conversation between us.

He listens to my fears with patience and understanding, and has even shared some fears of his own (including the possibility that I’ll decide I prefer women and leave him altogether! Ha).

He promises that we’ll only proceed with this if and when I’m ready, and he assures me that opening up our relationship is in no way a “condition” of our staying together.

But I’m having a hard time believing him. I can’t tell if I’m actually intuiting just how important this is to him

I’m scared that if I decide it isn’t for me, it’ll be a deal-breaker — an impasse that’ll resurface again and again.

My greatest fear is that ten years and a couple of kids from now, he’ll decide this is something that he must explore, and he’ll either act on it behind my back or end our relationship altogether.

Am I getting ahead of myself or am I rightly protecting myself?

Super Confused

You don’t want a threesome, nor this foursome, not now, and possibly not later either.

I say this, not from judgement, but from your own longer letter of more concerns than I can include.

The stress of worrying about his insisting on it is affecting your daily life and causing you to withdraw from friends.

You start with intellectualizing the concept. Certainly, there are some fervent supporters of polyamory – which is non-monogamy involving sexual and loving relationships with more than one partner.

What’s essential in any planned threesome, or sexual group, is the consent of all the partners involved.

You’re not feeling comfortable with that.

Experience in this work has taught me that giving in on this decision to please a partner can easily cause the beginning of the end of the relationship.

Especially at the time of planning to have a family.

Previously, you two were discussing a concept, which you could handle then. Now this work colleague has become part of his planning, as has her girlfriend.

Despite your stated “consent” to his developing this idea, the involvement of the other couple has complicated things for you.

Your mind and body are both reacting to serious fears.

If a refusal really could end your relationship, that alone says there’s much more for you to consider.

My son’s 30, has two children with his fiancée, and two with his ex, with custody every weekend.

His fiancé has one child, treats his kids badly, their two like gold, and sends her other daughter to her grandparents.

She stays home, doesn’t cook, clean, bathe kids, do anything with them. She’s on her phone or watching movies.

My son works, then prepares supper, bathes kids, does homework, vacuums, laundry, etc.

Each time he’d told her he was leaving, she got pregnant one month later.

I believe she’s not loving or kind. Even when she invites us over, she ignores us.

Do I still go to their wedding?

Yes.

Not going to their wedding would only confirm her seeming low self-esteem and negative view of your opinion of her.

All those children will benefit from your love and presence in their lives. Encourage her participation, rather than criticize. It starts with the wedding.