I’m a busy mom of three, with a husband who works long hours at his computer job, both in the home office and outside as well.
I recently discovered that he’s been using his computer to hook up with other women for sex. He also visits porn sites. He blames me for this because “we don't have sex often enough.”
With three kids in the house, it’s been hard to be spontaneous about it, but we usually have sex about once a week or so.
I’ve told him we have to plan for it, but he wasn’t happy about the lack of spontaneity.
Am I to blame for his behaviour?
- Blame Game
Your marriage is deteriorating into a mess, so forget about finding who bears the fault. Instead, the conversation you two need to have is about why he feels entitled to get sexual satisfaction elsewhere, how raising kids has interfered with your sex life, and why you two haven’t talked this out and worked out an agreeable way of connecting emotionally.
I DO understand that child-rearing is hectic and fatiguing… but where is his part in it, when he’s at home?
Why is it up to you to tell him to “schedule” sex?
You both participated in having three children, so you both need to get together on how to live with them and find time for intimacy.
A happy, loving couple can make the best of even a short time, because they want to, and know how important it is to keep the bond between them. If that’s not possible in your house, get to some marital therapy together.
If he won’t go, start some counselling for yourself… because this marriage, as it’s currently conducted, won’t last.
My boyfriend of five years was, at first, open with me about his life outside of money stuff. Then he clammed up more, not sharing some emails with me.
I love him, but I can’t get over some things he’s done... two years ago I discovered he’d been e-mailing a couple of women lovey-dovey conversations; one email was all about SEX! He said it was just a joke and meant nothing to him, and “they found him.”
I think he’s at it again. I want to trust him but... he now has this woman with whom he says he only talks about contests. But I find this hard to believe. If it’s only about contests then why not communicate on the contest email he uses, not his personal one?
- Wanting to Trust
Your guy has been throwing away his chances to be trusted. He’s secretive, careless about your feelings (two years of emailing other women!), and offers childish excuses, as in it’s the women’s fault, not his. But he gets away with all this because you let him. After five years you have enough evidence that he’s untrustworthy, yet you hang on. If you honestly think you’re getting enough out of this relationship to put up with his fooling around this way, then stay with him but expect more of the same.
However, if you want to know the depth of his feelings for you, tell him his online “friendships” are unacceptable and if they don’t stop, or you at least get to meet the women who are “only contest pals,” then you’ll have to leave.
You’ll know better whether you can trust him again, if he comes after you and promises to change.
I’m a perfectionist.
I don’t know how to stop killing myself over the smallest of mistakes.
I can’t get my work done because I’m obsessed with not making any mistakes (which I know is counter-productive) and I feel that I’m not moving anywhere with my life.
I’m tired and fed up with not getting anything done at all and I need help.
- Trapped by Perfection
You’re already a step ahead by recognizing that you have a real problem and need help.
There IS hope ahead, by taking the next step and seeking individual therapy. You need professional guidance to probe why you’ve been made (likely since childhood) to feel a failure over small mistakes, and how to change your reaction to this fear.
A specialist in behaviour modification will give you strategies to create a new, healthier approach to your work and actions. See www.therapistlocator.net for a listing of therapists.
Tip of the day:
Couples with small children need to work out a time for having sex and intimacy or risk losing that important bond.