My friends suggested I try a popular dating app. I’m late-30s, attractive, divorced, no kids. One guy who texted me was the same age, decent-looking, and said he was in town for a few days staying at a hotel.
After exchanging a few meaningless texts, I said that I’d had a long work-day and was going to sleep early (9pm). I was awakened by his next text at 2am: “Come over.” Gross! Possibly dangerous, too! I cancelled the app.
Has today’s dating become more about hookups than any interest in people?
You have the confidence to refuse what you don’t want (such as take-out sex delivered to a strange man’s hotel room).
However, social media has opened up possibilities between strangers, and that guy felt free to try it with you, because you were on that app.
The result can be okay, terrifying or a waste of time, which is why social media “dating” requires that users know themselves and their limits.
Next, research the various apps for style as well as content, e.g. a one-minute exchange after looking at profile photos is not a conversation, and “likes” based on minimal information don’t make for a connection.
That said, there are people who only want hook-ups and no emotional intimacy. Fair for them.
But for those hoping to have a real connection with someone, beware the sudden come-on to enter a situation where you have no control in another’s private space.
No, current dating mores haven’t all gone to hook-up hell. It was always possible in the modern era for women and men alike, to have sex on a date. But now it’s more immediately available through instant-gratification technology.
Yet you still can’t “know” someone until you meet as equals, in a public space, with the freedom to either stay or go at will.
My boyfriend of seven years has two adult children and an ex-wife. They talk often by text and phone.
His kids and I have a wonderful relationship. His wife and I get along very well. My partner gets giddy when she's around. He recently said that, because a couple of my kids struggle with life, that I must be the problem, my parenting is bad, etc.
He doesn’t want me to associate with his kids anymore as I’m “a bad influence.” It was like a dagger to the heart.
My kids weren’t allowed at our place for Christmas Eve and I went out because his wife would be here with their kids and I’d be watching their family from the outside.
He knew I was upset and how much I love his kids. I'm unsure how to address this without packing and leaving, and NOT RETURNING this time even though I love him so much!
I appreciate that it’s very hard to consider leaving a man and his children whom you love. But he’s suddenly turned on you in an extremely hurtful way, almost pushing you to leave.
It seems obvious to me that he has some motive – whether a re-connection with his ex, or interest in someone else, or some other reason for this sudden, mean announcement with no discussion beforehand.
Insist that he explain himself further. If he continues to shut you out – and your kids (which is unconscionable!) - see a lawyer or legal aid clinic about your common-law rights regarding financial and legal responsibilities between you two as partners to date.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man concerned about his ex-wife’s depression (Dec.11):
Reader – “This ex-husband couldn't understand why his ex-wife, mother of his children (a woman who’d given up a university education to that marriage) was now depressed over the outcome of that marriage and her life to date and needed therapy for depression.
“He meanwhile was remarried to his lover and concerned that she wasn't "moving on." Apparently, he deserves some sympathy for her plight, perhaps a little therapy.
“He’s a selfish self-absorbed man, who as I read it, sacrificed nothing. Your response floored me.”
Ellie – You read it as you chose, not as I wrote it. Since his ex has mentioned suicide, he asked in his distanced way (yes, self-absorbed) how he could help her. I suggested talking to a counsellor to find a way to help her instead of just feeling “guilty.” My focus was on his ex, not on him.
Tip of the day:
Don’t let social media and dating app approaches demean who you are and what you want from dating.