My soon-to-be-ex (stbx)and I have always had a rocky relationship, but loved each other enough to fight through it.
In 2016, we went to the Central American seaside with my side of the family.
He didn't get certified ahead for scuba-diving, and was upset that all the men were going, so he drank.
It made me feel miserable. One night he was so drunk that he yelled at our child publicly about not doing something that he’d already done.
We had words, then my brother accused him of beating me which he’d never done.
We took an early flight home and tried to work things out.
My family scares me. I don't do well with conflict or confrontation for fear of disappointing them or causing them to badmouth me.
Three years later, in which my stbx didn’t attend anything involving my family, and words thrown from both sides with no one apologizing, caused fights at home and me giving up.
I filed for divorce in January and thought it was the right thing. But going to counselling and reading marriage books/videos have shown me that I could’ve done more to make him feel loved and secure in the marriage.
I’m now having second thoughts, but my family has supported my break-up decision and I'm afraid they’ll have lots more to say.
I don't want to disappoint them, but I can’t live my life to their standards. I must explain that I need them and him but I don't know how to say that in a loving way.
Need the Right Words
Try these: “I love my family AND my husband. I need all of you, but I have my future with him and our child(ren). He’s not perfect and neither am I. Working it out is what people who love each other do.”
Now, some words to ask yourself: Who would divorce over a family squabble that started from a wrong accusation by your brother?
Why are you still so “afraid” of your parents and their disapproval? They’re hardly perfect.
When your husband couldn’t go scuba-diving, no one found some other activity they could do with him at a seaside resort? Waterskiing?
However, if your husband’s drinking is his go-to behaviour when upset, that’s an important issue for him to work on, more than whether he always pleases your family.
My once-close daughter’s ex-husband was an alcoholic and gambler. I picked her up several times after he beat her.
She didn’t allow me access to my grandkids until she spent all of her divorce settlement. The children were then age two and five. Over the next few years she spent over $100,000.
I refused to give her another $1,000 because she wouldn’t tell me what it was for. She again withheld the children from me.
After six years, she made contact. But I discovered that she’d told everyone, including her father, that I beat her severely. This NEVER happened.
No contact for several more years, until recently.
I told her she’d get nothing nor be in my will, until she told everyone that she’d made up that story.
What should I do?
Get personal counselling and legal advice. Money is your daughter’s only interest in you. Years may pass until you have any meaningful contact with her children.
It’s a reality you must accept. However, you could set up a legal arrangement for them (and not their mother) to inherit at a mature age, e.g. 25.
I’m a divorced woman who made a new friend eight years ago, through a chance meeting shortly after her husband had died suddenly, at age 48.
I felt compassion for her situation. We’re both interested in theatre, so we met for dinner and a play when possible.
But over time her conversation became only about herself and increasingly superficial: Her shopping sprees (often), cosmetic treatments (many), etc.
I don’t enjoy the friendship anymore but am finding it difficult to disengage. What should I do?
Eight years was a good run for a friendship with a stranger for whom you felt instant compassion. But those years didn’t build a bond between you despite the one common interest in theatre.
It’s off-putting to always hear about the trivial personal details of someone’s life, when you want a mutual conversation with some substance.
Put more and more time between getting together.
Tip of the day:
Never proceed to divorce if you both believe you and your spouse can work things out.