We’re a couple very much in love. We’ve been talking for two years and seriously dating for 18 months.
Last month, I was with him when photos of nude women popped up on his cell phone. I thought it was a pop-up or ad.
I discovered it was his private account for social media, which has porn. He was an influencer for this porn site for over 18 years and had over 100,000 followers.
Feeling upset and hurt, I confronted him. He “didn’t know how to tell (me) about them,” and he deleted those two in front of me.
What bothered me most is his hiding the account from me, and his lying to me.
Currently, I trust him, yet carry some doubts.
When asked if he was addicted to porn, he said, No. But I suspect that he is.
He’s agreed to get counselling. My problem is that little remaining doubt. I keep wondering if he has other accounts.
We’re both 52, he was a long-time bachelor, I’m a divorced mom of three. My children and all my family love him and vice versa.
You’re life-experienced. You know that a man seriously involved as an “influencer” on a porn site for years, is at the least, very attracted to it if not addicted.
But, also being mature and wise, you need to ask yourself – and him, after some counselling – how much does this past preoccupation with porn matter to your relationship now.
Does it affect your intimacy and sex life? Is he lying to you and continuing with his former involvement in promoting porn?
More important, what are your own feelings about the porn industry? And how does his participation in it affect your respect/feelings for him?
(Note to readers: An “influencer” is someone who affects purchase decisions of others because of his/her authority, knowledge, position or relationship with his/her audience… see influencermarketinghub.com.
People can change for someone they love, if the counselling they get gives them real insight, determination and willingness to do so.
My husband cheated and abandoned me and our infant daughter years ago.
He rarely saw her. Once, I let her visit him for two weeks. She returned abused through his neglect in leaving her at random homes with different people.
We never set up visitation after that. He never got a place of his own. They have no relationship.
She’s a teen now. He and I reconciled, had two more kids. He got me to cancel my child support case and left our three kids.
He only cares about kids he had with someone else years ago.
I let ours go with him for Thanksgiving and they were mistreated because he was off gambling while inappropriate people were watching them.
I won’t let him get the kids anymore unless he agrees to have professional counselling. He can always come by to visit with them at my place.
He’s telling people I refuse to let him see the kids, making me seem a bitter, vindictive person, which I resent. I can’t afford a lawyer.
How can I let him spend time with them without them getting hurt?
Ask a family court clinic about child custody issues (for which fees are often waived) and safe “co-parenting” with someone who’s repeatedly put children at risk.
Bring a record about when they’ve been in his “care,” but were maltreated by people with whom he left them. Include the dates and any evidence/facts you learned.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man with low self-esteem who was demeaned by a woman claiming she was “out of his league” (April 27):
Reader (female) – “He was attracted to this woman at his friend’s party, solely by her looks, described as “incredibly attractive.”
“If that's how he judges people, why is he surprised to have it turned on him?”
Ellie – My advice in response to his question included this: “Anyone whose only attribute is outward appearance isn’t worth your time.” I also suggested that he deal with his low self-esteem so that such a rude person’s comments aren’t taken so hurtfully.
Reader #2 (male) – “This is the nightmare experience of why most “nice guys” don’t even try.
“It takes courage to ask a woman out and the dating game is very difficult for “nice guys.”
“Unfortunately, I’ve found most women look but rarely see.”
Ellie – Unfortunately, many men behave similarly to “nice girls.”
Tip of the day:
When a partner lies, trust dies, unless you see ongoing behaviour changes and openness.