I've been married for three years to a wonderful man whom I love and respect. Trust has never been an issue.

But I'm worried because he goes to strip clubs with friends regularly - two or three times monthly, maybe more. He doesn't say where he's going but I've found receipts in his pockets.

I've said this bothers me, that if he goes only sometimes, for a special occasion, I understand. But his habit seems out of control. He laughs it off as just a thing guys do when they go out - "male bonding."

It's causing a rift in our relationship. Am I over-reacting? It's definitely the deception that bothers me, yet, if he were honest about it I wouldn't approve. So he feels like he can't win.

Insecure

If love, respect, and trust are truly intact, then you ARE overreacting. The deceit's a pattern to which you both contribute.

Get rational. You KNOW if your guy is sexy with you, considers you sexy, stays home with you comfortably, and goes out with you when possible. If all that's fine, he may just have goofy friends who think strip clubs are a laugh, and/or is embarrassed to make it obvious that his wife disapproves.

Stop fighting and stop going through his pockets. If the pressure lessens, he may go less. However, if you do notice changes in his intimate behaviour with you, address them specifically: What goes on at the clubs, and what's missing at home? Those would be real problems for which you may need counselling together.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer. We explained to our kids that this type of cancer is palliative only (no cure). Through my work I got some counseling but was restricted to the number of sessions.

Our teenage daughter refused to go then, but several years later, is willing. She believes she's depressed and bipolar. I've stressed to her that she needs a professional assessment. She's under a lot of pressure - deciding her career path, university applications, ensuring her grades are high enough, etc.

Our younger son has been receiving some counselling at his school.

My husband is now receiving chemotherapy which is the last treatment and historically isn't an effective treatment for this type of cancer. The hospital does not provide family counselling. My daughter was vehemently against going to her school's counsellor for fear of staff there being judgmental.

Should we be seeing a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or family counsellor? Is it better to see someone individually or as a family?

Uncertain and Concerned

Your daughter needs to see someone on her own, and your son may need that too, in time. But for now, you should be looking into a family counselling situation as well, regarding the eventual loss of father and husband.

For that perspective, there are specialist grief counsellors listed in the Yellow Pages, and available through organizations for bereaved families. These provide group support that can be very helpful, especially to young people who've never confronted death and feel all alone in their changed situation.

But your daughter is nearing a personal crisis, as the family stress and school pressure combine to depress her. Direct her to an individual therapist (these can also be found through the Yellow Pages, and through professional organizations for psychologists and psychotherapists, which you can Google for your area).

The fact that she's asking for help makes this necessary and urgent. Your family doctor may also be able to offer a referral.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer whose husband was addicted to a computer game (Dec. 23):

Reader -  "Few people realize how like alcoholism or drug addiction gaming can be. People have lost jobs, families and houses because of this problem. I used resources like Online Gamers Anonymous (http://www.olganon.org/) to help me cope with feelings regarding my husband's addiction.

"Understanding that I wasn't alone in this situation was only the first step. I had to finally realize that he'd always been a gamer, but my reaction and tolerance had changed.

"Neither of us was getting much out of the relationship anymore, and I, for one, was blaming the online games.

"We recalibrated our relationship: Strict limits on gaming, shared activities, date nights, board games. More hugs, holding hands, talking. Life has changed completely!

"I believe he's still at risk of gaming addiction, but we're working to fulfill the needs that led to it."