My twin sister's an accomplished professional, raised in a loving family, and has a heart of gold.

She'd dated someone for seven years, which ended with her in hysterics and crying uncontrollably. She's always suffered from low self-esteem and confidence, struggled with weight and some health problems, plus she has issues with men leaving her (at 19, we lost our father unexpectedly).

She hasn't dated much, and then met a man from an African country. They've been together for four years.

He'd moved here, had a one-night stand, and got a woman pregnant. They married, mostly because he feared deportation. He says the mom was "crazy" so he got custody and sent the child back to Africa to be raised by his family. He then met my sister.

After eight months' dating, he moved away to a university to get his degree accredited. While there, he'd lie to her, and often disallow her visiting him.

She once found condom wrappers under his bed. He talked his way out of it. She eventually moved there but he'd hang out with friends in another city, leaving her at their home.

He's lured women on social networking and dating sites. (I was with her when one girl trying to contact him on my sister's laptop explained this to us).

He's also spent money my sister didn't know about until after, has driven drunk and with no insurance... and more.

She supported him through school and now that he has a job, he's spending large amounts of money without consulting her. Yet her main concern when considering breaking it off, is, "What is he going to do? Where is he going to go?"

My mother and I had to distance ourselves as he convinced her we were trying to break them up. Now he's bringing over his son, four, to live with my sister and him part-time. She's to host his grandma and sister for a month while they see he's settled.

She won't call a halt or consider options. The child's biological mom lives on government assistance by lying that she still had the child with her. My sister's boyfriend goes along with this and hasn't divorced her.

The only stable/responsible person is my sister, who I can see bearing the brunt of this transition, financially and emotionally. The child only knows his father from recent weekend chats over Skype.

How do we support her when we don't approve or like her situation or her boyfriend?

Worried Sick!

If ever your twin needed support, not disapproval, it's now. You know that low self-esteem and the effects of this man's emotional manipulation have kept her attached to him.

So it's time you and your mother stop judging, and help build her confidence to deal now, then look at options when she's ready.

The child is innocent and though his presence complicates matters, it may just get her to wake up and assess the realities.

Her guy is selfish, disrespectful, and irresponsible. She may end up caring for the child alone. Fortunately, there are some caring relatives, and she should get to know them if this plan goes forward, as she may need their help sooner than later.

You don't have to pretend to like everything going on, but the situation is past that. Help her look at the practical details of what's needed now - for housing the child, the relatives, and trying to obtain the father's financial involvement... legally, if necessary.

I'm 47, divorced with two teenage daughters. My partner of 18 months has been divorced 20 years. He and his ex celebrate their grown children's birthdays together. His children (in their 20's) don't want anyone else included.

Yet, at the son's recent dinner party, both children brought their significant others. Their mother doesn't have one. I've always included my partner in my children's celebrations.

I feel he's not taking a stand for me.... we're supposed to move in together soon, with my daughters.

Hurt

Hide the welcome mat till you resolve this. It's great that he and his ex both attend family events. But once you two share a home (and life), you are family too.

He must establish a new environment with his children - they're adding new people into the family picture, just as he is. If nothing changes, don't let your daughters see you live with being shunted aside.