I have a friend who lives across the country with her husband, four kids, two dogs and a pet rabbit. She lives in the middle of the country, a three-hour drive to the nearest airport. There’s a small town nearby, where her children go to school and she can get groceries, but there’s not much else going on around her.

I’m a city girl. I like that I can walk in any direction from my house and in under five minutes, I can find coffee, basic groceries and several different types of cuisine. I can walk to museums, art galleries and multiple different movie theatres. I like that when I walk down the street, I see people of every origin and hear several different languages spoken. I am never bored in my city because there’s something exciting to do every single day.

My friend is upset with me because she says, and she’s correct, that I never come to visit her. My argument that she never comes to visit me is met with, “Yes, but you’re single and I have a large family and animals.” How do I tell her that I have absolutely no interest in making the trek to nowhere?

City Chick

Get on a FaceTime call with your friend as soon as possible. Look into her eyes while you talk to her. Is she happy, content and simply missing you? Does she just want to share her life with you, have you meet her kids (and her dogs and rabbit), and see her world? Or is she in trouble, as in, is she unhappy and needing you?

Either way, find a time when you can get out there, even just for a long weekend. Show your friendship and support.

Years ago, I heard someone give out three guidelines on how to tell if something was important. In reverse order they are, first, something requires a significant investment. The investment could be in resources, usually money, time or an emotional investment.

Second, if it will establish or reinforce your reputation, professional or personal. This is most important when people aren’t looking; integrity cannot be taken, it is sold or given away and never recovered. If you want to be a good spouse, a good parent, a good, valued colleague, then act like one especially when no one is looking. Since everyone makes mistakes or falls short from time to time, a key component is how you respond when that happens.

The last is the most important and the one people fail on the most. Something is important if it’s important to someone who is important to you. If you tell your spouse something is important to you, and they dismiss it, they are sending you a message. You are not important to them. No matter how much they justify it, and they will, your spouse is telling you that you are not important.

My spouse wonders why she is twice divorced, has a string of broken relationships, and is estranged from her daughter. The one thing she is absolutely sure of is rightness, and she feels absolutely justified.

Conversely, she is terribly afraid of dying alone or that I would remarry. I’ve been married twice; I don’t care what statistics say, I have no interest in signing up to do it again.

No Joy

The answer to your non-question is that you and your wife need to get to a marriage counsellor to talk about your relationship. And, from your description, she would benefit from her own therapist. As Dr. Phil is famous for asking, “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Her self-righteousness is damaging any personal connections she has/had.

I hope you find joy.

FEEDBACK Regarding the ungrateful child (July 2):

Reader – “My gut knotted as I read about the daughter that didn’t or wouldn’t say thank you. Mine was like that. She went through the whole sullen, long black leather coat, anti-social stage. It was horrible.

“She’s AuDHD but not diagnosed until 40. So much of her life gone because I never suspected her rudeness was actually her real self - unmasked, struggling.

“Without knowing more about this young girl, I’d suggest the parents take a holistic view of her behaviours, schooling, social behaviours, physical flexibility and if there’s the slightest hint, have a thorough testing for neurodiversity.

“Also, her brother may be overcompensating to make up for his sister’s lack.”

Reader #2 – “I don’t think you went far enough in your advice. Obviously, the mom is meeting her entitled daughter’s every expectation. Maybe not doing so might be a wake-up call!”