My girlfriend and I have been together four years, but both of us scared and unwilling to take the next step. We like each other a lot, maybe even love each other, but we’re both too afraid to admit it. She was married and cheated on; and I’m just afraid to commit, after spending my younger years being sought after by so many women.

Recently, we had a pregnancy scare, which turned out to be just a late start, but it got us thinking. She’s almost 35 and this has cranked up her biological clock big time. Now all she wants is to have a baby. My initial reaction to her maybe being pregnant was cold feet, but then I warmed to the idea. And when she got her period, I was surprisingly disappointed.

Now I see how badly she wants to be a mother, and I want that for her. So now our focus is on making a baby together. But we’re still not committed, not married, not even engaged. Are we just going about this all wrong?

Out of Sync

From a traditional standpoint, yes, you’re all out of order. But who cares, other than maybe your grandmother? Your girlfriend has hit a turning point. Unfortunately, this is one of the ONLY things in life we cannot really change. If she wants to get pregnant and carry a child, her time is limited. So, if that’s your focus, then give it your all.

However, a child is a lifelong commitment. It’s an even bigger commitment than your relationship because you can always end a marriage. So, make sure you’re up for this life-altering journey and that you’re on board with becoming a father.

And if you two agree to give your relationship a go, then get engaged, have the baby, then get married. Or don’t. It’s up to both of you.

Can you explain why my teenage son is so disrespectful and sullen when he’s at home, but then shines so brightly when he’s out in the world? Yesterday, he and I were at complete loggerheads in the morning. He refused to do his basic chores, was being mean to his little sister and was countering everything I said.

I finally got him to do his chores and take his sister where she needed to go before I would let him go downtown to meet some friends. Hours later, the friend’s mom texted to tell me what a lovely boy my son is, how personable and interesting, etc., etc.

Who is she talking about????

Jekyll and Hyde

I understand your frustration! This is something that applies to children of all ages, in different age-appropriate manners. For example, you pick your toddler up from daycare and the childminder tells you how wonderful he is; but as soon as he gets in the car, he bursts into uncontrollable sobs and has a full tantrum at home.

That same child goes to a friend’s for a playdate one Saturday morning, and when you pick him up, the other mom exclaims what a lovely child you’ve raised. But as soon as you get home, he’s cranky, irritable and takes the toy from his baby sister.

Now he’s a teenager. On the one hand, you know you’ve done a great job of raising a polite, respectful human who keeps their emotions in check until they feel safe, in their own home, to let it all out. On the other, it would be nice to not always be the punching bag. Tell him. Tell him he’s safe to be raw at home and you will always love him. No “buts.” However, you deserve respect and kindness and to sometimes get the best of him.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the aging couple (April 15):

Reader – “I have to smile at the irony: the writer says that ‘Many friends and relatives keep recommending that myself and my wife (both 90) move into a retirement home.’ Later they mention they have small disabilities, but they can rely on the fact that ‘all of our shopping and maintenance are taken care of by family and friends.’

“Is there a connection here? I wouldn’t be surprised if one reason the couple are being urged to move to a retirement home is because they’re getting tired of having to do all the chores and errands for them. And no wonder the couple don’t want to move – they’re effectively living in a retirement home now, but one situated in their own pleasant house with ‘staff’ who apparently work for free!”
PS. Really enjoy your column. It offers useful advice and reminds me every day that we’re all human and worthy.