My husband (together 24 years) had a four-month emotional affair with a female colleague. He was “in love” with her.

She quit her job and left the country after I contacted her. However, she’s now returning.

He ended it, and said that I was the one. He cried, wanting to quit his job and move away with us.

The next month, he said he can't lead me on, and slept in the spare bedroom. A month later, he wanted to separate.

He works long hours and is still stressed. He said he hasn’t been happy.

I asked him to leave for a week at the end of March, to get myself together, but he’s not returned. He texts “goodnight” to our 16-year-old daughter, but doesn't see her. He told me he wants to be single.

He’s not told his parents or work colleagues anything, and pushed his friends away.

The timing of his “girlfriend’s” return suggests they’re not over.

I’ve forgiven him, love him, and want him back.

I see some things that I could’ve done differently, but he blamed me fully for his unhappiness. Yet we had sex every night and have so much in common.

Should I give up on him? Is he in mid-life crisis?

Fighting For Him

Fighting for love of a husband is a strong instinct. But, however this turns out, be prepared to carry on strongly, for your own and your daughter’s sakes.

It may be a mid-life crisis. Or a powerful draw to the “new.” His unhappiness is likely over choices he’s made that aren’t just about your marriage – e.g. work, education, things he hasn’t done.

Suggest he get personal counselling or he may feel too guilty to stay connected to his daughter. Once in therapy, he may also look at your relationship differently, and what’s really driving him.

I've been married for four years, with a two-year-old and another baby coming soon.

My marriage has no passion, hardly ever sex. We’re at times more like friends.

He's an okay dad, but a lousy husband. Everything I do “could be improved,” and I've been the same with him.

We weren't a good match, but are trying to make it work.

We don't talk, or have date nights, sometimes communicate via email only, as we own a business together.

Neither of us is cheating. I've asked him to leave, told I’m asking for too much.

We lost a lot of money in another business, and he's struggling to make it back. I don't know what to do.

Lost and Uncertain

Two babies within four years plus financial difficulties would bring stress to any couple. And stress almost always interferes with sex and communication.

It’s hard to arrange “date nights” when you’re both grumpy, and blaming each other.

His being an “okay Dad” is a positive sign, despite that he’s critical of you and that you react similarly.

Splitting up now could worsen your finances, and plunge your emotions into chaos when dealing alone with an infant and toddler.

You’re both currently needing mutual support – a team effort to get through, plus some affection, getting out together enough to offset some stress, and more sex.

Keep trying to make it work. Marriage counselling could help you both realize that neither is perfect, and the big picture’s more important.

When things settle somewhat, you can re-assess whether it’s the “match” that’s the problem, or the circumstances… which may get better with time and effort.

My best friend constantly nit-picks her son, pulling him out of every sport or activity the minute he complains.

She doesn’t tell him who his father is.

She over-protects him from anything negative (unless it's from her), thinking every teacher has it out for him. He’s been in therapy for years.
I don't have children so can’t offer parenting advice. How can I get her to lighten up on him? She's making the same mistakes her horrible parents made with her.

I worry that he’ll ask me one day why I didn't protect him.

Worried Friend

If you believe there’s physical or purposeful emotional abuse, you must report it to child welfare authorities.

Otherwise, this single mom needs encouragement. Point out the boy’s strengths and achievements. Try to provide “lighter” times when you see them… a movie, an outing, etc.

If she mentions her parents, gently mention what she’s said herself about their “mistakes.”