I have a friend who is constantly cancelling plans on me. Name the excuse and she’s used it. She’s often not feeling well, stomach issues or headaches, mainly. Occasionally, I can hear she has a legit cold. But that’s rare. Her sister just had a baby, so the pregnancy and the newborn account for multiple excuses. And her brother just got engaged, so there are a lot of family events.

I usually believe her and don’t take it personally, but I’m starting to feel differently. If I really think about it, she probably cancels on me nine out of 10 times that we make plans. Should I call her out, or just walk away from this friendship?

Excuses, excuses

Only you can make that decision. However, if it’s starting to bother you, talk to her about it. If she really doesn’t want to spend time with you, then you have nothing to lose. And, if it’s just a bad coincidence, I would imagine she would want to know and try to do better.

We’re all human and life can get busy and complicated. If she’s a true friend, she’ll want to know that she’s upsetting you and will try harder to spend time with you. If not, then there’s your answer.

Last January, a new woman moved into our modular home community. It’s fairly easy to meet people here and perhaps make friends. This woman is six years younger than me though looks much younger than that. She’s super interesting and has lots of skills. She does her own renovations, is a natural athlete and loves to dance.

We started hanging out. Went to weekly dances at our Legion, played a lot of billiards together and talked a lot. Both of us have issues of one kind or another; we shared these and supported each other.

And then, on Christmas Eve, she sent me a text saying she needed to step back from our relationship. And that she was sorry if that caused me any pain, but it’s something she had to do for herself. And she didn’t want to talk to me. I suppose, for somebody else, this would be a bump in the road. For me, with lifelong abandonment issues, it was life-threatening. And she knew that. It’s one of the things we talked about.

I’m trying to move forward. I’m having difficulty dealing with the depth of her cruelty and the timing of it.  In addition to this Dear John text, I’m also dealing with the death of my partner five months ago. I spent Christmas alone.

I wonder if this is my fate – just to suffer until I get over this. Without ever telling anybody. As if it is shameful. To have been rejected in this manner? What do you think?

Text Dumped

Rejection sucks no matter what the timing, or whatever else is going on in your life. Is it shameful? Absolutely not! At some point, nearly everyone gets rejected. It’s part of life.

I’m sorry that your partner passed away, and I’m sorry that your new neighbour needed to step back from your relationship, and all just before the holidays. Terrible timing, agreed. However, you made it through! You didn’t write to me until weeks after the holidays, so you’re stronger than you think.

Continue your path of making friends, being social, and going to the Legion. Find new friends and new interests. She was just one person.

FEEDBACK Regarding the frugal wife (Jan. 22):
Reader – “I agree with you on the mental health issue.  Is it also possible that she's had enough, is feeling overwhelmed and maybe just needs some help from this spouse who seems quick to point out the problems?  Why can't he take the kids for new clothes or haircuts?  Maybe make a meal or two?  It seems they both work, so maybe she just needs a break.”

Reader #2 - “She might also be experiencing anxiety related to the world’s financial situation.  We’re poised on the brink of possible economic collapse and may even find ourselves at war.  And, of course, there’s the huge issue of climate change.  It’s hard not to feel fragile in such a scary world.  Some are probably reacting by spending wildly while others will go into survivalist mode.

“I know that I find myself nixing many frills even though I can easily afford them.  And then I feel guilty because not spending can cost others their jobs. In short, we can’t win whatever we do.”