My ex-husband and I became close friends with another couple we met through his work 15 years ago. We even took a week’s cruise together.
Suddenly, the other woman’s husband just left her. He had “issues”... but a year later he was living with someone else.
My husband helped his shocked colleague adjust, until she relied totally on him.
Because I was lonely, I joined a drama group, and became friendly with its interesting leader. We had weekly classes, but he and I saw each other in between.
As a result, I ended my marriage. Now, we were two separate couples with a previous tie between three of us, and three children (I have two, she has one).
It wasn’t easy but despite troubles with the kids’ confusion then anger, both couples are still together.
My question: What’s wrong with getting divorced if you find you love someone else?
Second time around
Ask the kids.
I don’t say that divorce is “wrong.” I say that it’s very difficult, especially for children caught in changes they either don’t understand, or can’t or won’t accept.
Also, if it’s contrary to one spouse’s inner belief system, it can remain a difficult, guilt-ridden choice that negatively affects any next union.
Dear Readers - I must address the large response to the husband’s September 30th letter about his wife’s repeated “wave cycle” of angry, nasty behaviour to him for two weeks of every month.
Since this had been going on for 21 years, it seemed well beyond the norm, which many women, including myself, experience with pre-menstrual and menstrual cramps, bloating and irritability that can last up to two weeks.
Given the time span and its effect on both of them, I believed they must’ve already explored whether hormones were involved. So, I looked for a possible other reason for extreme mood swings and quoted a Mayo Clinic site on Bipolar Disorder. Besides suggesting psychological counselling, I recommended she see her family doctor.
Here’s what some readers wrote that may prove very helpful to the woman in question and to others:
Reader #1 - “Many women with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, similar to premenstrual syndrome PMS but more serious) are often diagnosed with bipolar.
“I’m almost certain from the husband’s description that it’s what’s causing massive amounts of suffering for him and his wife. Unfortunately, meds don’t typically help.
“It seems to be a disorder at the cellular level to estrogen and progesterone. I have it. It’s hell. I know his wife is suffering and feels absolutely crazy.
“It’s important for her to know her diagnosis.”
Reader #2 – “This woman is probably in some stage of menopause. The cyclical manner of her swings indicates that hormones are in play. I’d suggest she see a women’s health issue specialist, not necessarily a physician. Most doctors know very little of menopause.”
From a Retired Pharmacist
Ellie - Note that the condition has existed since they married 21 years ago, most likely before she was perimenopausal, but worth looking into. Fortunately, there are more women’s health issue specialists in today’s medical and/or health community.
Reader #3 – “His wife is likely suffering from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), an extreme form of PMS," as described in Moody Bitches, by Julie Holland MD, on page 36.
“Every woman, and every man who wants to interact with women, needs to educate themselves on the significant issues the menstrual cycle and hormonal fluctuations create in women, and in some women especially.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who was seeing a man who had “serious feelings” for her and he suggested they each sell their own homes and buy one together (Oct. 2):
Reader – “I see a HUGE red flag there!
“This happened to an acquaintance of mine. The man wooed, wined and dined her and seemed like the perfect person.
“He also suggested that she sell her home and that they buy one together.
“They did proceed to marry, and he changed very soon after.
“He wanted dinner on the table at 5pm so he could watch his favourite programs in the evenings. He said “no more dinners out” because they were too expensive.
“Luckily, she had friends who’d advised her to rent out her home so that she’d still have her equity if things didn't work out.
“They didn't - so she at least had financial security.”
Tip of the day:
Divorcing parents must try hard over years to help children adjust, while acknowledging their pain and loss and reassuring them of continued love.