I met my ex in high-school at 15, he was 17. I moved 40 minutes away, he went to university, but we stayed together.

I spent one university semester in Europe, broke up with him. He visited me there and won me back.

After university. I was ready to live together, but he wasn’t. I went to Paris to refine my French-language skills but contacted him daily.

But he was unhappy with his employer and resenting me for enjoying my life abroad. He said he’d be happy without me.

I turned to someone else in a full-blown affair, which led to less communicating with my boyfriend.

Three months later I realized that I preferred to return and fix my relationship with my boyfriend. I came clean.  He dumped me.

I was hired in Paris just when he began brief amicable conversations with me. They showed both hope and caution. I was torn.

He phoned me as I boarded the plane to Paris, as if to tell me to stay without saying it. After a week I realized he was what I wanted most in life.  I flew home. Again, he wouldn’t take me back.

For many years I cried, wallowing in blame and guilt for what I’d done to him.

The following five years we’d see each other once or twice. We’d meet, catch up, sometimes make love, sometimes cry. We never spoke between meetings. I’d never date anyone else.

On the sixth year, after spending Valentine's Day together, I asked him to decide about me. I still loved him.  He declined. It was time to move on.

Within several weeks I met someone online whom I quickly fell for. We moved in together within months. The more I learned about my new boyfriend, the more I found he wasn't as perfect as I’d initially hoped. But I still love him.

This is just when my ex messaged about hearing of my relationship and saying that he’d want to be with me if things didn't work out with my boyfriend. I didn’t acknowledge his message.

When Covid hit, seclusion in a small basement apartment with my live-in boyfriend led to us temporarily breaking up.

I spoke with my ex who again said he was only possibly open to being in a relationship and that it was only worth trying after Covid allowed us to see one another in person.

My remaining feelings for my present boyfriend helped me decide that he’s a good man, dedicated, loves me and is willing to offer me all the things my ex would not. He treats me better than my ex ever did...

So, why can't I let my ex go?

Still Torn

Yours is 1) a story about teenage romantic dreams bumping up against unexpected realities while fresh out in the world, causing emotional pain for both of you.

Review: Your ex isn’t ready to live together right after university; you go to Paris; he feels stuck in a first job that isn’t working out. He’s resentful; you reveal having had an affair; he shuts you out, repeatedly.

2) What makes it a never-ending saga for you is that this has been the main, ongoing link to your emotional life and a sense of perpetual attachment for so many years that you’ve not permitted yourself to leave it behind.

Your decision to seek advice shows that you know you need to cut the thread that still binds you to a long-gone past, now.

I’m a guy who’s been friends with another for 18 years. When he left a job to start a business, I helped in every promotional event e.g., spending weekends doing pickups of flyers and driving his children to deliver them to different locations, etc.

Recently, I got a new job and needed some help. When I called my friend, he was abrupt, telling me that his kids, now young teens, need him on weekends. He also said my job didn’t sound promising.

I was offended and disappointed in him. I’d thought we were close but I’ve never heard him so negative towards me.

Let Down

Such a marked change in his response to you as a long-time friend suggests there are other reasons behind his mood. First and foremost, there’s COVID-19. Like many people, his business may be suffering considerably, and/or he may be anxious in general. Cut him slack till you know more.