When I was younger, I dreamed of a happy life. My mother was an alcoholic, and my father left her one night – only to be hit by a bus driving away. Dumped and widowed in one night. It’s not surprising she turned to the bottle for solace.

But my sister and I were young enough to be negatively affected by her drunken stupors. She would call in sick to work, which happened one too many times until she lost her job. She would forget to pick us up after school, or she would arrive drunk and the school wouldn’t let us get in her car.

We often left for school without a lunch box, and we didn’t get dinner many nights because she’d be passed out before it was cooked.

My sister and I are only 15 months apart, so we took care of each other. We learned to pack our own lunches and cook ourselves dinner. I wasn’t shy or ashamed, just embarrassed, so I’d ask the other moms when I saw them if they wouldn’t mind sending extra snacks for us. And the school ended up figuring out a carpool to get us home most days.

When my sister finished high school, we left together to a state school where we had both received scholarships, grants and student loans. Our mother died in a house fire that year.

My sister’s fiancé is a jealous man and when he gets jealous, he drinks. I know my sister is triggered, as am I, but she’s not strong enough to say anything or leave. We know this story, and we don’t want any part of it. How can I help my sister before she becomes too entangled?

Alcoholic Abuse

I’m so sorry for the loss of both your parents, and the neglect you suffered due to your mother’s suffering. You sound as though you’ve made peace with both your parents for the choices they made. And you’ve come through on the other side.

But it’s clear that you’re triggered by your sister’s fiancé, and you’re afraid for any repeat performances. I also understand that you are slightly older and much more vocal and outspoken than she. You’re her protector – and she’s all you’ve got.

Your sister and her fiancé need some counselling. He needs a wake-up call to his behaviour and how it affects his fiancée. She needs to stick up for herself. Unfortunately, you need to step down. It’s their future, not yours. Unless you’re worried for her safety. Then you need to take action.

I work with a woman who has serious communication problems. I’m not sure if it’s with everyone, but it’s definitely with me and another colleague I know, because he and I discuss it. She’s always defensive, always ready to argue, even if I simply ask what time a meeting has been scheduled. Somehow, she’ll turn it around that I’m accusing her of being disorganized.

I can’t figure out how to talk to her without it turning sour. Have any suggestions for me?

Communication Breakdown

There are people with whom that happens. It’s as though you don’t speak each other’s language, even though you’re speaking the same language. I have that with some people.

I think the key is to know that anything you say MAY get misconstrued, which helps you stay calm when it’s happening. Also, if you work with this person, perhaps it’s best to communicate by email only so that it’s very clear as to what was being said.

And though it can be very frustrating, it’s probably easier not to fight your point unless absolutely necessary.

FEEDBACK Regarding the Mummy Dearest letter (Sept. 9):

Reader – “I’ve been there.  The daughter in a relationship that is sending a ton of red flags out to family and friends but cannot see it themselves or makes excuses. I thought I understood my partner's mental illness.  I’m also a health care worker, and I do think we’re at more risk of such relationships.  We tend to be decent income earners, and have a lot of empathy, which people use to their advantage.

“What changed the game for me was the book, “5 Types of people who can ruin your life,” by Bill Eddy. This book made me realize that my situation was not going to ever get better, until I got out of the relationship.  The sad fact is that the victim must become aware before changes can be made. Within a year, I was separated out.  Five years later, life is much more peaceful and happier for me.”