I am getting fed up with my fiancé. I found out three years ago he was using cocaine; as a former pool player he used it to keep his mind sharp because of all the drinking in billiard sports. He drinks a lot as well outside of that because of trauma from growing up with a harsh and selfish mother (I don’t like her). I said I would leave him if he doesn't stop the drugs.

We tried a 30-day rehab at home where he self-isolated and I financially supported him. After 30 days, he was better but unfortunately went back to it after six months because of his group of friends who still participate in that recreational drug. He has been to a psychologist who wasn’t helpful. I'm trying to convince him to find a better one for him.

Now he’s addicted to online chess and will disappear for two to three days sitting in his car drinking, playing chess and maybe using cocaine.  I want to be supportive, but I feel he has taken advantage of my empathy. He doesn’t pay any bills and occasionally misses work. Everyone says I should end it, but he will have no place to live if he leaves; he’ll be either in his car or on the streets. It costs too much for a proper 30-day rehab which neither of us can afford to pay.

I am at a loss as to how to help him.  I'm just getting more frustrated and angrier with him how he takes advantage of my empathy and me paying for everything.

What do I do now?

Cocaine and Billiards

You have supported your fiancé long enough with nothing in return. He drinks to excess, does drugs to excess, plays online chess to excess and gives you nothing, financially or emotionally. You’re right – he has taken advantage of you and continues to take advantage of you.

As tough as it will be for you to walk away, at this rate, he will NEVER get over his addictions, and this will be your future. Get out now before you get married, before you are tied to this man financially.

He needs professional help. He can’t afford it because he misses work and loses all his money gambling. That’s on him. I know you care about him, but you need to care about yourself more. Walk away.

My sister and I are not close and haven’t been for over a decade. Our father took a bad fall about a month ago and has been in hospital since. Our mother is in the early stages of dementia but manages well at home with our father. They’ve lived in the house for about 14 years, so they have their routines.

With my father in the hospital, I am stretched between making sure I’m by his side when the doctors come around, and making sure my mother is fine. I’ve had to hire caregivers to make sure she’s taking her medications twice daily and eating.

I’ve asked my sister to come and help. She lives in the country and has recently retired. She’s not answering my calls or returning my texts. I called her son to make sure she’s alive, and he’s said she is and is baffled as to her lack of response.

How can I get her to engage?

Role Reversal

You can’t force her to do anything. She may be panicking, she may be frozen with fear of the what ifs. She may be incapable of taking on the shared responsibility.

I know it doesn’t feel fair; this is obviously not her strong suit. Do what you must to take care of your parents; they are the priority right now.

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