I am a man who was the victim of many years of abuse at the hands of my mother, and then my wife. There’s too much to cover, but here are the highlights:

My wife spent years turning friends and my own family members against me. I endured many years of emotional and psychological abuse until it eventually turned physical. After she started hitting me, I phoned the OPP. I didn't get any support from them. After another altercation, I phoned 911 and had three cruisers arrive within eight minutes.

We separated in 2020.

It is not a level playing field when it comes to abuse. I have heard all the statistics trotted out about numbers of women vs. men in abusive relationships. I know from personal experience that there are just as many men suffering abuse as women (maybe more). The trouble with us men is that we internalize everything and quite often even blame ourselves for the abuse.

I have personally lost two very good friends to suicide because they couldn't endure the constant blows to their emotional well-being. I have many other friends who turn to alcohol and drugs. Abuse of any kind is totally unacceptable! I have survived my abuse because of support from my adult children and the health and safety supervisor at my place of work. My employer has been behind me the whole time. I am in a much better place now.

I have thought about taking my story public to help other men. There is no shortage of women who share their stories. Men need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have confided in friends about my thoughts, and they want me to focus on my own well-being first.

I feel that I may heal faster knowing that I am helping others. This is a serious problem and needs more light shone on it.

Moving past the abuse

Thank you for sharing your story with me, and my readers. I think that if you feel strong and able, then you should absolutely share your story. You are correct that sadly, there are more women than men who share their stories, and there is no shortage of those women. Men need to hear from other men – to know that they are not alone. To know that there is hope. And to know that they do not deserve to be abused.

Some people heal quietly, introspectively. Others need to wear their pain on their sleeve and be loud and proud. Whichever works for you is the best method. Healing, like grief, are extremely personal emotions. If you feel that helping others will help you heal faster, then go for it. As long as you have the support you need, you will rise above. Make sure you have a good therapist as you enter this new chapter.

My boyfriend and I were play-fighting, and he punched me really hard. My mom saw the bruises a few days later and freaked out. I tried to tell her that he didn’t mean it. She says I’m being naïve.

What do you think?

Bruised not broken

I think anyone who hits another person hard enough to cause a bruise may not be play-fighting. I strongly suggest you rethink this relationship. Listen to your mother; she only has your best interests at heart.

FEEDBACK Regarding the name change (March 13):
Reader – “The parents should be reminded that they should keep detailed documentation of the name changes for their children’s future. They should tell the children of the name changes, at an appropriate time.

“There will be occasions in their children’s adult lives when they will be asked to list all their previous names on applications for government documents, pre-employment searches and other applications.”

FEEDBACK Regarding heartbreak (March 14):

Reader – “So sad but so common. The added wrinkle here is that the departing husband has gone off to another country which will make pursuing him for a settlement and child support difficult.  The wife’s friend should make sure she has a good lawyer who moves quickly to attach any assets he has before he can withdraw everything to his new location (RSPs, property, private pension, vehicle, etc.).

“The lesson for readers is to realize that when you opt for a common-law arrangement, you don’t have automatic rights to a share in your partner’s assets in the event the marriage breaks up. It’s always best to consult a lawyer and learn your rights and obligations before entering traditional or common-law marriages — and definitely before having a child.

“Love is grand, says an old joke, but divorce is ten grand (or hundreds of grands, depending on your income bracket).”