I haven’t had a relationship with my mother for over 15 years, but I do have a strong one with my aunt, her sister. They have a very strained relationship and rarely talk. I have three young girls. My father remarried in my teens and my stepmother has been the only grandmother my children have known. My aunt often brings my mom up to me and asks if I would let her see my girls. I always say no because she is mentally unwell and an alcoholic.  She also speaks about her to my girls, and I have asked her to stop.

Over the holidays, she brought my mother up to my girls, asking them if they know they have another grandmother. They know, because I have talked about her and why we don't see her. I wasn’t in the room.

When my nine-year-old replied, "We don't see her because she's a drunk," my aunt yelled at her that she was rude for saying that, and that maybe one day her sister will be a drunk. I tried to talk to my aunt, but she flew off the handle saying awful things. I told her if she cannot accept my decision regarding no contact with my mother then we will no longer have a relationship. I also asked her to apologize to my daughter. We haven't spoken in three months.

I feel she has chosen my mother over me and my daughters. Her loyalty to her sister is more important than being in our lives and respecting my boundaries. She always spends the holidays and birthdays with us, and I often invite her to dinners, BBQs and the girls' school/extracurricular activities. She would rather miss out on all these special events with her great nieces than leave the issue alone.

My girls miss her, but I feel that without her accepting my decision, we can never have a good relationship. Not to mention how inappropriate it was for her to yell at my daughter and say what she said.

What should I do?

Web of Women

You MUST protect your daughters as you see fit. And if that means keeping them from your mother, that is your prerogative. You’re fortunate that for the past 15 years, you’ve been able to maintain a relationship with your aunt, and that your daughters have benefited from having a great-aunt who can tell them all about their grandmother.

In my opinion, she crossed the line by speaking to your daughters secretly and then reprimanding them. But it sounds as though she was hurt by your daughter’s words and reacted.

Remember, your mother is her sister. They grew up together as children and for years before your mother was an alcoholic. She will always be her sister. And it’s not that surprising that she is choosing her over you and your daughters. Put yourself in her shoes.

I suggest meeting with her alone. Apologize for your daughter’s choice of words. Explain to her why you feel the need to protect your daughters from your mother. But also express that you understand that sisters have a special bond, and you have no intention of breaking that or making her choose between you. However, there are boundaries that need to be respected. If she can’t, then SHE’s choosing to not be in your lives and there’s nothing you can do. It’s her loss.

FEEDBACK Regarding the rude roommate (Feb. 13):

Reader #1 – “This reinforces harmful stereotypes about an entire culture. I’m from South America, and I have never treated a partner that way — nor did my grandparents decades ago, or most people I know. Disrespectful and controlling behaviour is a personal choice, not a cultural trait.”

Reader #2 - “He shouldn’t be allowed to use the excuse that he’s sexist because he’s South American. That’s insulting to South Americans whose once sexist cultures are evolving just as ours are.  And he’s probably rejected much of traditional Latin culture anyway.  That he offers it as an excuse shows he’s aware of his sexism and that it’s unacceptable.

“And while immigrants retain many of their traditional customs, they still must adapt, and they must follow the laws of their new country. His concerned roommate should point out to him that his attitudes and behaviours will get him into serious trouble in the workplace. Maybe he could even show him a few ‘All in the Family’ episodes where Archie is ordering Edith about in similar fashion.  If he sees that he comes across as an old fogey, he might be persuaded to update his behaviour.”