My live-in boyfriend of four years worked out of town awhile, and we lived 12 hours apart.

He asked me to fix something on his Facebook and I saw that he’d tried three times to contact a woman he’d dated before me. (I believe it ended when they had a fight and never talked again).

The first message asked to get together and have coffee; the others congratulated her on her job.

I said I felt insecure about this and with him living away it wasn’t acceptable. He was upset with me but agreed.

He’s since moved back home. Three months ago, I accidently received a Facebook message meant for this woman. It was dated when I was out of town because my dad had died. Again it was about her job.

She never responded but he kept trying. He explained it was because he felt badly about how he treated her at the end.

Recently I went to his email when he asked me from work to forward something, and there was her response, saying she’d like to hear from him, including her phone number.

He was extremely angry that I read this email. He said I’m overreacting, that he’s never done anything for me to distrust him. He said it’s his choice whether to call her.

Am I over-reacting?

Still Upset

Yes, since there’s open social media accounts, he’s not sneaking around. And he explained why he feels a need to correct his breakup behaviour.

But no, it’s not overreacting to feel upset when your spouse ignores feelings you’ve expressed.

However, you haven’t been open enough. “I’m upset” is about anger. “It’s unacceptable,” sounds like control.

You need to say that you’re hurt because you love him, and you feel insecure because you have no reason to trust her.

I’m female, 49,  in a two-year relationship with a man, 54. He has two sons, both away at university.
I’ve yet to meet them, with no explanation. He also has a cottage which I've only been to once, for lunch.

I’m tired of being a holiday widow while he goes there to hang out with his sons.
Yet he’s been staying with me for three months now.
Communication’s a struggle. I've tried asking him, humouring him, writing him, crying, but he doesn’t open up.

He’s said he's not comfortable yet, he’s an introvert, it’s not about not me… which seems a red flag.

I'm hurt that he's excluding me from very important parts of his life. But I feel an ultimatum isn't the answer.
Should I end it, or hang in and see what happens at Christmas? My hope is wavering.

Shut Out

The red flag’s flying, he’s hiding at the cottage and behind his sons for as long as he can get away with it. This is not a man who responds to an ultimatum… he’ll just run for cover.

“Waiting for Christmas” sets yourself up for the big reveal – most likely that he’s spending it with his sons.

Two years is long enough. Be clear – you’d like to be a part of his whole life, but it’s not happening. You don’t want joint ownership of the cottage, or to always be with him and his sons, but his excluding you has become unacceptable.

Then, just break up, no ultimatum. If he says he’ll do this or that, just say you want a break, you’ll listen if he misses you enough to come up with a plan, not a concession.

My grandfather has prostate cancer. I don't know how to react, it's very difficult for my family and me.

Do you know what I have to do? I'm afraid of losing him.

Frightened Grandchild

Calm yourself, or you’ll be unable to be of comfort and support to your grandfather.

Get informed. Ask your parents what they know about his condition, what treatment and other advice he’s getting. If they don’t know, tell them you’ll all support him better if you know what’s going on and what to expect.

Visit with him, and listen. If he has fears, that’s natural, let him air them. If he doesn’t want to talk about his health, be company for him. Go for walks together, listen to music, encourage him to tell you about his own life – his childhood, youth, early family years, and work.

These stories are his living legacy for you… show him he’s still vital in your life.