I emigrated from a European country 16 years ago to attend university here.
I was desperate to leave my home due to poor relationships in my family. I excelled at university, but developed a double depression diagnosed four years ago, which I’m still battling.
After achieving my degrees and working retail jobs for several years, I missed my home country and wanted to return.
Then I met the love of my life (feelings are mutual). We visited my country twice. Initially, he could imagine living there. He changed his mind on our second visit.
Despite speaking two languages, he feels he could never learn the local language and would always feel like a foreigner.
We had many conversations about this, leaving me feeling hopeless and full of despair.
There are millions of expatriates in that country, some of whom we met when there. There’d be greater government support finding work and higher quality of life for us.
But alone, I’d be returning to nobody as I'd have no family members to live with nor other contacts. Newly self-employed, I couldn’t easily establish myself alone.
I’m 36, in what feels like a lose-lose situation. How can I know which I’m willing to live without for the rest of my life - a man whom I love dearly (and he me), or my home country that I’ve come to appreciate and miss greatly over the years?
Torn Between Love and Country
There’s no contest between a country that you’ve idealized but offers you no human connections, and a man with whom you share love.
Choose him. Your indecision’s naturally affected by depression. But having him by your side is the positive support you need.
You’ll visit that country together again in future. But you going there alone now, is not a healthy move.
My partner of 14 years and I split up five months ago, but soon got back together because we love each other.
When his 25-year-old daughter learned we were re-connecting, she told her father she’d have nothing to do with me, that she wanted him to be with someone with whom she could have a relationship.
It’s since been one drama after another, resulting in the relationship put aside so she can be pacified.
I tolerated her spoiled selfish behaviour when she was young, but nothing’s changed. She exerts a powerful force on her dad.
I know he’s taught her that it's okay and continues the dynamic. I don't understand how someone so privileged, whose father gave her everything, cannot see past herself to want him to be happy.
He says he’s told her that he loves me, that I make him happy. She still refuses to support his decision. She’s strained our relationship, and we’re splitting up again.
I couldn't go on continually feeling hurt by his actions, in a relationship that’s given so little value.
Unfortunately, her father gets something out of this demand-indulge dynamic. He wants unwavering love as Devoted Daddy, despite her dismissal of his adult love relationship.
He’s not alone. It happens with a significant number of over-indulgent fathers, to appease NOT the guilt they feel from divorce, but the fear that their children won’t regard them as heroes. They need super approval, as their legacy.
Ironically, he’s turning away the woman who loves him for himself – even flawed – for this tenuous bond with a daughter who’ll continue to test him with other demands, financially and emotionally.
You’re wise to walk.
My sister’s totally disrespectful to me since my dad died eight years ago. She’s been misspelling my name and town for five years!
When she visited, I threw her out on the lawn because previously when I mentioned the kids next door, she asked if I were a child molester.
At a fast-food store, she asked me to buy a sandwich for a dog! I spent $40.00!
She was ticketed for speeding and a child told her to shut up because she was arguing so loudly! She slammed her fists on her steering wheel because the car behind her was close to her car.
I want to completely end this relationship.
Do both of you a favour and end all contact. She’s disrespectful, rude, and attention-seeking. In response, you do foolish things (the dog’s sandwich) and get angry.
Your toxic sibling relationship likely has a long history. Also likely, no future. Tell her, once, and finally.
Tip of the day:
Depression makes decisions about moving difficult, but having mutual love trumps many other choices.