I’m looking for advice about a situation with my mother-in-law. A year ago, my husband and I got married. It was my husband’s suggestion that we get married in the U.K., and I was very excited about the idea because my closest friends and family are there, and my husband’s closest friends and family were also able to travel to attend. That was until my mother-in-law said she couldn't sit on a plane for that length of time and refused to travel from Toronto for our wedding. Money was not an issue, and she didn't want to take two shorter flights with a rest in between either.
In the end, both the wedding and reception were changed to accommodate her, including having the wedding in Etobicoke and the reception at her favourite restaurant because she said Etobicoke was the easiest for her and her guests. Shortly after, however, those same people all travelled well outside of the GTA for the wedding reception of her friend's daughter (my Canadian wedding and reception choice venues wouldn't have been this far). A similar thing happened for the engagement dinner; it had to be her choice of restaurant which ended up being a place that had nothing to do with either my husband, myself or us a couple.
Now my mother-in-law is travelling from Toronto to mainland Europe for her own trip. Her flight is longer than the flight from Toronto to the U.K. would have been for our wedding.
Why can she suddenly make a longer flight now when she said she couldn’t sit that long on a plane for our wedding? Should I bring up this fact or is this something I should leave alone?
I'd like to know how to both handle and process this situation.
Inconsistent Behaviour
Depending on who you talk to about this, you are going to get polar responses. Many people will strongly suggest that you say nothing. I’m not one of those people.
The first person you need to discuss with is yourself. Ask yourself what you want. Is it simply the acknowledgement from her that she manipulated the events around your wedding? If so, I highly doubt that she’ll admit that to you (or herself, for that matter). Do you want an apology? Doubtful you’ll get that either.
Once you’ve figured out what you want out of this, then talk about it with your husband. But remember, not all, but many people do NOT like to hear their spouse/partner talk badly about their parent even if their parent was in the wrong. They just don’t. So, figure out what you hope to gain by telling him. Again, acknowledgment that she manipulated you both? He may acquiesce. Acknowledgment that she’s a liar? That’ll probably get his back up. An agreement that she may not hijack your lives ever again? Yes!
If the two of you agree, then it doesn’t matter what she says or does. It’s a year later; let her go off to Europe. If she suffers on the plane ride, that’s on her; hopefully she won’t.
Just lean into your husband as he needs to lean into you against her antics. I’m not suggesting he love her less or spend less time with her. I’m simply hoping, for your sake, that he can recognize her flaws, accept them, but not let them negatively impact your relationship.
Lastly, just let it go with her. Wish her a lovely trip and wave her off at the gate. There’s no need to turn her against you. That won’t end well.
FEEDBACK Regarding the married woman whose husband was cheating on her (Aug. 26):
Reader – “It’s time to acknowledge that unwanted pregnancies are every bit as distressing to men as they are to women. Most people are sympathetic to a woman who reacts badly to the news she's expecting a baby she doesn't want. But men are expected to be supportive of whatever decision a woman makes, be it to end the life of a child he might very much want or to bind him for a lifetime to supporting - financially, emotionally and physically - a child he didn't want.
“In short, she has a choice, but he doesn't. It's hardly surprising, then, that so many men react with anger, wondering why they must suffer the consequences of their actions when women are not so restricted.
“They should’ve had an honest discussion after the first pregnancy, and then, probably, a vasectomy. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he’s still playing Russian roulette with his fertility.”