I'm having the worst year of my life, and I don't know if I can survive.  My mom had dementia and I took care of her for many years. She finally passed away eight months ago. I did pretty much all the heavy lifting during this period because one of my sisters does not live in the same city, and the other one had stage 4 cancer.

After my mom died, my sister with cancer became very ill and she passed away four months ago. I was close to my sister and was with her until the very end.  The amount of sadness was painful.

Then last week, after a stressful day of work, my wife sat me down and said she can't live with me anymore.  She said that I snap at her often and she is fearful being with me.  She moved out.  Of all the tragedies I've faced, my wife moving out hurts the most.  I love her very much and we've been together for 20 years. Not seeing her every day is devastating. I can't sleep. I can't eat. And at times, I feel like I can't breathe. I don't know what to do.

Life has very little meaning for me right now.  Maybe I have done everything I can. I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in my career. I have loved. I have lost.  I don't know if time or therapy will ever heal me.

Lost soul

You have indeed had the worst year, and I am so sorry for all the loss that you have endured. Losing a parent, even if it’s somewhat of a relief (as some believe when a person is suffering from dementia, or any other illness), is devastating. Your mother was the first person to welcome you into this world and losing her leaves a gaping hole that can never be filled.

And to lose a close sister a mere four months later just pours salt on the wound. Sadly, another hole that cannot be filled.

But losing your wife to divorce is not the same thing. I’m not discounting the pain, the hurt, the sadness; but it’s a void that can, over time, be filled. Obviously not in the immediate future, but some day. That your wife chose now to leave you seems cold and uncaring on her part; however, you mentioned that she was fearful living in your presence.

I suggest you get grief counselling, and that you invite your wife to join you so she can understand the depths of your grief and how it has affected you. Even if you end up divorcing, it would be helpful for her to understand you better.

I also suggest you go to a marriage counsellor together; again, even if you end up divorcing, it would be beneficial for both of you to discuss how your life situation, dealing with an ailing parent and sibling simultaneously, had a strong impact on you and your marriage. You will both benefit from this therapy.

Then start living your life for you, doing things that bring you happiness. You deserve it. Both time and therapy WILL heal you. Think positive and find your inner strength.

I overheard a barista call another customer cheap for not giving her a tip. I was right behind her, so saw that she paid with her card and didn’t tip on a $5 drink. I sometimes do and sometimes don’t tip on a takeaway coffee. But he shouldn’t call the customer names.

Should I mention it to the manager?

Bold Barista

I’d quietly say something to the barista, mentioning that you heard. If he responds with attitude, then yes, tell the manager. If he shows remorse, remind him that discretion is important in the hospitality industry.

FEEDBACK Regarding inviting brother to wedding (Aug. 24):
Reader – “Your answer about inviting her brother to her wedding shows a lack of wisdom and kindness on your part.  A family event can be an opportunity to mend fences and bring people together. Forgiveness for past hurts after eight years should be on the table.

“Also, asking her mom to choose between her children is totally disrespectful.  Weddings are not just about the bride and groom.”

Lisi – I respectfully disagree. Her brother was emotionally abusive to her throughout her whole life. She is absolutely NOT obligated to invite him. If she wishes to mend fences, she can do so on any other day of the year. It does NOT have to be a public exhibition.

Also, she is not asking her mom to choose; she is telling her mom what she is doing. Her mom can do what she wants.