A bunch of girls went out for a birthday dinner a couple of months ago. I knew the birthday girl well, she is a good friend, but I didn’t know all the women at the table. One woman, who I met that night for the first time, started rattling off what she was going to order. It sounded like the whole left side of the menu! I just assumed she was very hungry. But when the waiter came, she ordered everything she had mentioned, then asked if anyone wanted anything else.

Apparently, she took it upon herself to order for the table. Since I wasn’t part of the core group, I assumed this is what they always do, and I just went with it. But when the bill came, this same woman told the waiter to split it amongst all of us evenly minus the birthday girl. I was surprised because I hadn’t had any of the wine, only one cocktail, and I don’t eat seafood, so didn’t eat half the dishes ordered.

I was annoyed with the high bill but let it go. The next day, I asked one of the other women who had been out with us about this practice, and she said this woman does that all the time, and everyone hates it. So why doesn’t anyone speak up? How do I deal with this if I ever go out with this person again?

Restaurant Etiquette

You were right to simply observe on your first experience since the group was made up mostly of people you didn’t know. However, when the bill came, you could have quietly told the waiter not to include you in the wine, since you didn’t indulge. With regards to only eating some dishes, you may have wanted to mention that when the ordering was happening. But lesson learned.

Next time you find yourself at a table with this woman, or someone else similar, speak up from the get-go. Say, “I would prefer not to be part of this group order as I am vegan/vegetarian/whatever. I’ll just order for myself thank you.” And move on.

And to answer your question why no one else speaks up, I can only surmise that these people are nonconfrontational, and/or don’t want to get into it with this other woman who sounds VERY controlling.

One of my daughters is a neat freak, while the other is an absolute mess. The neat freak keeps her room tidy, does her laundry when it’s dirty, folds and puts away her clothing. She keeps her cosmetics tidy in the bathroom and uses what she has before purchasing more. The messy one lives in a pile of clothing, never knowing which are dirty or clean. You can’t see the floor for the clothes and shoes. Her makeup and cosmetics are all over the counter and she seems to have multiples of everything.

Both girls went on a trip out west to see their grandparents last week and I decided to blitz their rooms and their bathroom. A deep clean while they were away, before the storm hit again. I found a few pieces of clothing in my neat daughter’s room that needed washing, and I was happy to do it. In the other daughter’s room, I just folded and tidied and washed what was clearly dirty. As for the rest, your guess is as good as mine.

How can I get this daughter to change just a little?

Different Daughters

Everyone is different, even when you raise them in the same house, in the same way. Give your daughter a laundry basket for her dirties; and create a corner for her “floor-drobe.” Her room, her mess. Just keep all food out so you don’t get bugs.

FEEDBACK Regarding fish out of water (June 13):
Reader – “This is where I have found email and text to be best alternatives. It may not be as personal as talking together but it can help accommodate time zone differences.

“Several years ago, I spent a month in Hong Kong on a job assignment, a 12-hour time difference from Toronto.  I still managed daily communications with my family.  We would send emails or texts when we were able and then respond when we were able.  This also allowed us to plan a phone call in advance, basically finding time that was equally convenient to all parties.

“Everything has a cost. Talking in person results in time zone issues.  Sending texts or emails does lose the personal touch a bit.  But I have found it to be an acceptable compromise.”

Lisi – Sometimes people just need to see each other’s faces to feel connected.