My brother was emotionally abusive to me my whole life. I always grew up in fight or flight mode. I finally ran away about eight years ago. I found myself free and safe. I made friends, worked and met a great guy. We’re now engaged and living in another city than my family.
I’d like to invite my parents to my wedding even though they weren’t supportive of me growing up. I don’t hold their parenting skills against them. But I do NOT want to invite my brother, and I know my mother will want me to.
How do I navigate this?
Bullying Brother
You’re an adult, about to embark on your adult life as a married woman. You are not obligated to invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding. It’s YOUR day (and your groom’s) and no one can tell you what to do. (Side note: If parents are paying, or partially paying, then they do get some say. But it doesn’t sound like yours are in this case).
Invite your mom to something special before the wedding, for example, your wedding dress fitting, or cake tasting, or venue viewing. Spend some special mother-daughter time together. Then take her out for lunch or coffee and tell her why you won’t be inviting your brother. Full stop. Try your hardest to be confident and strong in your conviction. If she argues, tell her it’s your day and you’ll do as you please.
I’ve just come home from a three-week vacation with my boyfriend and his family in the Azores. His grandmother, aunt and uncle and some cousins all live there, so our accommodations were free. We extended our holiday by one week because his grandmother wasn’t well, and one of his cousins suddenly got engaged while we were there. We had the most magical vacation! I absolutely LOVE his family. And we had a great time together!
But now I’m worried because I have one more year of school in another province, and he’ll be living at home working. His parents are traditional and want him to get married soon (he’s 27; I’m 23). I know they like me, but I’m not close to getting married and I don’t think I’m even ready to get engaged. We haven’t been together long enough to make that commitment, though I love him and could see a future with him.
How do I keep my guy when I’m going to be far away?
Distance Dating
Your boyfriend’s parents may be traditional, but they’re not your boyfriend. He’s 27 and can make his own decisions and plan his own life. I understand that he’s living at home and will probably have his parents chirping in his ear, but that’s his family dynamic to manage.
If you love him and want your relationship to continue while you finish school, tell him so. I’m a romantic, so I would plan an afternoon/evening of fun together, doing the things you love and maybe something special. Tell him exactly how you feel, and maybe even give him a gift (a promise ring or bracelet) as a token of those feelings, and a promise to maintain your relationship through the distance.
All relationships take work, and long-distance ones take more. If you are both willing to put in the effort, then you can be successful. If you can talk about your schedules now, do so. For example, could you confirm that no matter what, he will come out to you one weekend every month, and you will come home to him one weekend every month? That’s not a lot of effort on each of you but solidifies that you’ll see each other enough to maintain your closeness.
Openness and discussion will see you through.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman at the gym who smells like urine (May 16):
Reader – “Maybe she just needs to wear pull-ups.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the ultimate disrespect (June 11):
Reader – “For once I thoroughly disagree with you. Did Ultimate Disrespect sit down with his girlfriend and discuss with her what the future might look like? How busy he was going to be? Probably not.
“I'm also guessing what while he’s busy building his business, she’s coming home and doing all the upkeep: the cooking, the cleaning and whatever else falls upon her, so essentially, she's coming home to a second job. However, I understand he's trying to build up his business.
“I'd feel overlooked, neglected and nothing more like the hired help. To me, at least, his new business is his new girlfriend and, frankly, he needs to learn to balance his business life with his personal life.”