While walking down the street the other day, my teenage son put his arm around my shoulder and leaned his full body weight on me. Just as we rounded a corner, I shrugged him off and said, “get off me!” Out of context, it looked like I was angry with him. But I wasn’t – it was just hot and he was heavy.

An elderly woman saw what had transpired, stopped and said, “Dear, always allow your son to hug you because one day he won’t.” I started to explain, but she just walked away.

Now I’m feeling guilty and like I’m a bad mother. Is this normal?

Boy Mom

You are NOT a bad mother based on this story, and yes, this is all normal. I can relate to both sides of this story. My nephew used to lean his entire body weight on me when he was tired and we were walking. The fact that he was at least 50 pounds heavier than me didn’t factor in. I was still the adult. I’d allow it for as long as I could physically manage but then I’d have to ask him to get off.

At the same time (and yes, I know it’s different), when my dog was a puppy, he would sit on my lap and snuggle in. I loved it! Now he’s full grown and doesn’t fit on my lap! But I miss those lap snuggles.

My advice: hug your son as often and for as long as he’ll let you. Because the time will come when he doesn’t want to, or doesn’t feel comfortable, and you’ll miss it. Just remind him that he’s now bigger and heavier so the full body weight lean is hard for you to manage.

My wife and I are going through a rough patch. I’m nervous because I was married once before and it ended badly. We divorced and our two kids suffered through the demise of the marriage. I don’t want my young children with my second wife to have go through what their older half-siblings went through.

I can’t bring anything up with my wife because she despises when I compare my two marriages. So, what should I do?

Second Time Around

You need to get to a marriage counsellor with your wife as soon as possible. You obviously have residual fears and resentments with regards to your first marriage and subsequent divorce. That’s normal. But your current wife is correct that comparing the two women and the two relationships isn’t fair to her, especially since she’s the only one around.

In therapy, you must address your fears. Our past shapes our present, but it doesn’t have to negatively affect our future. Talk it out, in front of your wife, and get to the bottom of what’s going on between the two of you. Express how you feel and acknowledge that you know it’s unfair to let your first marriage and divorce bleed into this one, but you need help to stop the flow. That’s what the therapy can do.

Many, many marriages have rough patches; it’s life. To spend decades without someone and to think every day will be gloriously happy is unrealistic. It’s how you deal with the days when things are rocky that matters. If you want to stay married, deal with your issues head on. Don’t let them fester. I can’t promise that therapy will mend whatever’s broken, but it’s worth a try.

FEEDBACK Regarding mom madness (June 10):

Reader – “Years ago I could hear my neighbour's twins crying and her yelling at the dog. Sensing she might be having a bad day, I rang her doorbell and asked if there was anything I could do. She invited me in, handed me one of the twins and a bottle and asked if I would feed her.  She then tended to the other baby and the dog.

“She didn't need advice, she needed help.”

Reader #2 – “My daughter cried a lot and being a first-time mom, I was beside myself wondering what I was doing wrong. One day, the wife of my husband’s co-worker dropped by and said she’d been through this with her first and why didn’t I give her the baby, go for a walk, a coffee, anything out of earshot. When I thanked her, she said someone had done this for her and maybe someday I could do this for someone else. This was over 40 years ago; I think she invented pay it forward.”