I’ve been reading your column and see I’m not the only one with cottage issues. But I’m still unsure as to how to proceed. My friend has a cottage that she and her husband acquired about eight years ago. Prior to that, she and her family were ALWAYS welcome at my cottage and came often.
Three years after they got their cottage, my husband and I divorced and were forced to sell our cottage. I thought my friend would open her door to me since we had been so generous with them. The first summer, she didn’t invite me at all. I was going through a tough time and would have loved the time up there, but I didn’t ask. The following summer I said something to her because I hadn’t received an invitation. But she had her whole summer booked already.
Last year, I was away for most of the summer but went up for a day with a group of friends.
This summer, she didn’t invite me, so I asked her if I could come one weekend. She hemmed and hawed, but finally gave me one option, and said, “don’t rush up, and we’d prefer if you only stay one night.”
I’m hurt and wondering why she’s being so stingy after all my years of generosity. Should I still go?
Cold Cottage
If this person is a good friend, I think you should accept the invitation and go. Bring your own towels, bring your own sheets, and bring lots of food. I’ve also started bringing flowers because who doesn’t love to receive flowers?
Fit into their schedule, whatever they’re doing for the day, and offer to cook or help with all the meals. Go for a walk with her at some point, just the two of you, and talk to her. Ask her why she only invites you for one night. And why you have to invite yourself, especially after all the years of her coming to you.
She may blame her husband; she may say she just doesn’t like people in her space; she may say she finds you a hard house guest. Whatever it is, it’s better to know so, if possible, you can understand. Then, if it’s about you, you can change or not. At least you’ll know what’s going on.
I’m just not having the summer I wanted and I don’t know how to change it, or if it’s even worth it at this point. One of my kids is out west working all summer. Another child is away for a few weeks, and another one comes and goes, but has lots of friends and activities in the city. Many of my nights are free and I want to be doing fun things with my husband, even if that’s just a walk to get ice cream, or a movie date. I don’t need the symphony or expensive restaurants; I just want to have some fun one-on-one time with my hubby.
He’s made no attempts or move on anything. How do I get through to him that this sucks for me and I’m unhappy?
Married and Bored
Since it’s already mid-August and summer is quickly coming to an end, especially since it sounds as though your kids are still in school, I suggest you plan better for next summer.
For example, ask your husband to go for a walk and get ice cream this week. While you’re out, tell him that this is one of the things you’d love to do with him more frequently, but you’d like him to initiate. Talk about your other wishes and ask him to help you plan better for next summer.
Hopefully he’ll appreciate your honesty and attempts at working on your marriage.
FEEDBACK Regarding theatre etiquette (June 9):
Reader – “I’m hoping certain people will read your advice on this letter. It’s especially annoying when you pay a lot of money for a specific seat at the symphony or other expensive concert and someone sits near you that has doused themselves in perfume. It ruins the experience when you have to hide your nose in your coat or scarf to endure the event.”
FEEDBACK Regarding whisper woes (June 9):
Reader – “Whisper Woes failed at the first hurdle by denying his girlfriend the right to privacy and a little girl chat. Perhaps the other woman was using giggles and whispers to disguise an attempt to flag Whisper Woes’ controlling habits and betting he’d insist on knowing what it was all about.
“Caution should have prevailed in this instance. You only have his opinion that the relationship is easy, open and honest.”