My wife and I are both 75 and have been together for 56 years (high school sweethearts), married for 51. Sadly, she watches TV from morning until night like my mother did after my father passed, and I can’t sit still inside, especially after such a brutal, long winter.
Our friends are no longer around, and we do little together other than shopping or the occasional movie. I love driving and travel, but she’s reluctant about either as she has bad knees, and we seem to be putting holiday money into home renovations, somewhat needed.
Our two mid-30s daughters have moved back so we see them occasionally for some “family time,” and the three ladies spend time together but essentially, I’m alone.
I used to play golf but don’t anymore so I’ve tried to get involved in giving back to my community by joining local health organizations and driving for our local food bank. It’s good for me but I’m seriously considering starting to set aside portions of my income and travel on my own.
I love my wife and would love to spend our last season together, but she just doesn’t want to leave the house or do anything. How can I handle this?
Seventy and Spry
You and your wife have been together so long you could probably have entire conversations with just one look. But therein lies the problem: You haven’t said anything about talking to each other. She watches TV and you want to be outside. Find some compromise and talk to each other.
I’m not dismissing her physical impairments, but there are ways around that (other than surgery, if she’s not up for that). Even taking her out in a wheelchair for a stroll in a park, a picnic and some fresh air would do her a world of good. Talk to her about what she’s watching. But also talk to her about how she wants to spend the rest of her life. Is she satisfied with the status quo?
Find a show you could watch together that appeals to both of you (there are many to choose from) and talk about it. If it’s a show with an Italian slant, for example, cook an Italian dinner together, or learn beginner Italian online. And then agree to a trip to Italy to see where the show takes place.
Find ways to spend your days together, doing what you each love and what you both love. But she needs to know how you feel.
I moved to Canada from Ireland 40 years ago, met my husband, had our children and raised them. Life was busy with the kids as they were in hockey and figure skating and that took up a lot of our time and money. When we could, we’d travel over to see my family. And when possible, they would come over for a visit.
My mom is getting on in years, and I feel I need to spend more time with her. My father passed decades ago and my sister lives in Australia. I’d love to go for a month or two, but my husband would be lost without me.
He’s the kind of man who has never gone to the grocery store, cooked a meal or put in a load of laundry. I taught our sons how to be self-sufficient, which they are, but they also don’t live close enough to pop round daily.
Can I still go?
Transatlantic Family
YES! Leave him to it. Your husband isn’t going to starve or live in squalor. Will he eat as healthy and well as when you cook? Probably not. Will he spend more on takeout? Probably. But he’ll be fine.
Go and take care of your mom. She needs you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sassy senior (May 28):
Reader – “Give that woman a medal! She certainly speaks truth to power. I’ve seen the eye rolls and smirks on the rare occasion I’ve said, ‘I remember….’
“My coping method is to do my own thing, please myself and if the next two generations have a problem with that, it’s on them. For my 80th birthday I went solo hiking for a week in the U.S. I’m sure they thought I’d gone mad but I’m here with great memories and new friends I met on the trail.”
No feet in the grave yet
FEEDBACK Regarding angry tenant (June 1):
Reader – “Why do people think it’s OK to leave dirty dishes? It’s not; it attracts all kinds of unwanted bugs.
“This tenant should take a heeded lesson from the landlady. It only takes 10 minutes to rinse and wash dirty dishes.”