My husband makes it very clear, especially to me, that he hates me. He leaves for the gym at 6 a.m., though he’s not getting fit or losing weight. From there he goes to work, where he spends his days, and often stays late at the office or has dinners he has to attend. When he comes home, he’s always exhausted, goes straight into the shower and then down to the basement to veg out in front of the TV.
He barely acknowledges me, never checks in with me during the day, rarely answers my calls and hasn’t gone out in public with me in a very long time.
We have two children, but one is at university and the other is working overseas, so it’s just the two of us at home. He doesn’t even pretend to be nice.
I’ve tried to talk to him, but he just holds up his hand and says he’s too tired to talk. I’ve asked if he wants a divorce, but he refuses, without giving me any good reason. At first, I didn’t catch on because I’m usually asleep until 7:30 a.m., and then I’m busy with my own career, the dog and caring for my sister who is unwell. I truly thought he was going to the gym and was busy at work.
I don’t understand and I feel stuck. What do I do?
Hateful Weight
It is imperative that you and your husband have a conversation. Leave a note in his gym bag, leave a message at work, send him a text, put a sticky in the shower and on the TV. Give him a time frame and some availability. “Jeff, we need to talk. Are you available this Friday at 7 p.m., Saturday at 10 a.m., or Sunday at 2 p.m.?”
If he says no to all three, or worse, ignores your attempts, you’ll need to engage a lawyer. As a married couple, you have an agreement to be kind, respectful and communicative. Without any communication or discourse between you, there is no viable marriage. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t “want” to get a divorce. Two people must agree to get married, but they both don’t have to agree to get divorced.
A year ago, my daughter came out as queer. I asked what that meant, for my own understanding, and not from a place of judgment or disbelief. She told me she wasn’t sure, but she didn’t feel “normal.” My heart broke for her because she’s had such a tough road since birth. She was left at a hospital in a box and then placed in the system. She has two different colour eyes and a variation of vitiligo.
She was placed in foster care, but they couldn’t care for a newborn. We had problems conceiving and then she fell into our laps. We fell in love the second we saw her, but she has always felt out of place as our daughter since none of us look anything alike.
She’s now entered a relationship with a person that I just can’t read. They use they/them pronouns and have a very genderless name. How can I explain to my daughter that I need help navigating this?
Modern day gender fluidity
For anyone over 40 (?), the concept of non-binary gender fluidity queer orientation can be difficult to understand. You don’t sound as though you’re having trouble accepting your daughter’s path, rather, just understanding what it means for her and how you can help.
Talk to your daughter and tell her how much you love and support her, and how you want to say and do the right thing by her. Hopefully, she’ll see your sincerity, and you can navigate this together. From your description, your daughter had a tough start in life. Even though she’s long been in a loving home, it might help her to see a therapist. Good luck to you all.
FEEDBACK Regarding the happy home (April 15):
Reader – “I would caution this couple to be prepared for an unanticipated major fall, stroke, heart attack - specifically an event that suddenly and significantly changes their lives.
“What will happen if that person who still drives can’t anymore? I suggest they visit a few facilities just to scope out their options.
“And regarding regular visits from P.S.W.s, what happens if suddenly someone is unavailable? It’s public knowledge that there are increasing staff shortages and burnout.
“At 90 years of age, their family are also not young and very likely have their own family responsibilities. What would happen if suddenly they’re unable to continue grocery shopping?
“This couple needs to plan for the very real possibility regarding what ifs. They also need to consider the reality of the big picture.”
Lisi – At 90, the anythings that can happen (to any of us, any time) more often have worse outcomes.