I have a close friend who I've known since childhood. Over the past few years, he has experienced unfortunate challenges with employment. He was pursuing coding and then the job market dried up. Since then, he has been working part-time jobs in restaurants while he figures out his next steps. I'm empathetic and have tried to be supportive as he investigates a new career.

Last month, however, we got together and he told me he doesn't want to work anymore and wants to be a homemaker (although he does not have children). He is 39 years old. He has a wife and while she makes a decent salary, he has told me they are tight for money, and they just moved into her mother's basement after having to sell their own property.

When he told me about his decision to stop working, I just listened. I texted him afterwards and said I think he was making a big mistake and that someone his age should be working (in any capacity), especially given their financial challenges. He responded and said he was offended by my words and that his decision is "none of my business."

I'm disappointed as I feel he is very smart and talented and I feel it's a good friend's responsibility to be honest. But is he right? Have I overstepped? How do I move forward given that I strongly disagree with his decision?

Concerned with friend's choices

Your friend made his decision your business when he chose to share it with you. He also shared his financial challenges with you. I believe that he knew how you would respond and wanted to hear that. You’ve known each other since childhood – of course he would have known how you’d react!

It is your responsibility to be honest with him. No one else seems to be setting him straight, surprisingly not even his wife. And I agree with you, that at 39, without any assets and/or financial security, he absolutely should be working. So, no, I don’t think you overstepped.

Take some time and let him cool off. Then reach out and apologize for offending him, but you didn’t think that at this stage of your friendship that was even possible. Tell him how much you care about him, and your concerns for him. Ask him if he’d like your help to find him a job, any job, that will help pay the bills and at least take some of the pressure off his wife. If he rejects your outstretched hand, walk away and let some time pass before trying again.

We have wonderful next-door neighbours who have a nine-year-old who is well-mannered and respectful in the house.  However, for at least the last four years, she has refused to do anything outside because there might be insects nearby.  She will go from the car to a store and back but that is all.  Sounds like OCD or a phobia to me.  Should I say anything to them before it becomes a stifling major problem in a few more years?

Concerned Neighbour

That all depends on your approach. Knocking on their door with a hunch and a label are not going to endear them to you. Saying something the next time you’re making neighbourly chit-chat, such as, “I overheard your daughter say she doesn’t like bugs. Is she afraid of them? Or is it something more?” could open the door for more in-depth conversation.

Unlike the letter writer in the question above, you don’t have that close of a relationship with these people and saying something could come across as meddling. You don’t want to overstep. And I’m not a lover of creepy crawly insects either. That’s not OCD or a phobia; they’re just ick.

FEEDBACK Regarding excuses (March 23):
Reader – “The friend who’s always cancelling could be me. I’m lucky that those in my life understand. The writer mentioned that one of the excuses was headache. Perhaps her friend suffers from migraines. I’ve been plagued with acute migraines all my life and they disrupt many of my social aspirations.

“I’ve spent a small fortune in my effort to lead a normal life. Thanks to medical advances and better prophylactic drugs and treatments, I was able to work and function, but I’ve also had to cancel many social commitments due to my migraines.

“You’re right that the writer should talk with her friend, but if the problem is health related, then they’ll need empathy if the friendship is to survive. The friend will have already been feeling guilty and despondent about the situation. That I can attest to.”

Been there