I haven’t been interested in my spouse sexually for years now. I love him as a person but I'm not in love with him romantically. We're best friends and that's it, for me. I've proposed getting a divorce many times, but he doesn't want one. It would be financially devastating for both of us, so I understand his point. He threatens suicide whenever I mention divorce. I feel blackmailed into remaining in this relationship. I love him enough that I wouldn't want him to hurt himself but I'm 60. I don't have tons of life left to live as I would choose to live it.

Neither of us has many/any friends aside from one another. The lack of support is another reason why I haven't pressed the issue, along with the ridiculous price of housing in Canada. We've tried "solutions" like him having sexual relations with other women. It was not fulfilling for him because he only wants to be with me. But the fact remains, I’m not sexually interested in him and haven't been for a very long time.

Any suggestions would be appreciated as long as they don't include having more sex that I absolutely don’t want.

Completely over it

I’m certainly NOT going to suggest you have sex with someone, anyone, including your spouse, whom you don’t want to be with. And his sexual happiness isn’t your responsibility at this point.

However, you don’t have to continue in this relationship simply because he’s holding you hostage with his suicidal threats. That’s blackmail, you’re correct.

You haven’t given details about your housing situation, or your family life, though I surmise you don’t have children. If that’s the case, and again, you’re correct that the cost of living is exorbitant, you could remain legally married, avoiding the costs of divorce, maintain your best-friendship, support each other, but not live together as husband and wife.

If you live in a two-bedroom home, you could have separate bedrooms. If the common areas are too small to be shared comfortably, you could swap your current abode for something of similar value but differently configured. For example, you could move into a duplex where you each have your own “apartment”, but the dwelling is co-owned equally.

Also, you need to get out there and make some friends. Join a walking group, or a yoga studio, or whatever interests you.

My wife is an accountant who took over her parents’ firm when they retired. We’ve dated for years, so I’ve known how crazy her household is during tax season. Or so I thought. Now that I’m the spouse to a full-fledged accountant, I can see it’s a LOT worse than I imagined.

Don’t misunderstand – I’m not angry with my wife for her chosen career, nor am I surprised at the hours she needs to put in at this time of year. And I’m certainly NOT asking her to change anything.

I just don’t know how I’m going to manage for the rest of our married lives knowing that I’ll basically be single, and then a single parent, during tax season.

Tax Widower

Many jobs have certain times of year when the workload amps up. For example, quarterly magazines have four busy periods. Massage therapists, physiotherapists, and chiropractors tend to get very busy in November and December when people want to make the most of their annual benefits. I understand it’s not the same thing, but you get the gist.

The key is to be prepared. If your wife will be MIA every April, start planning for it in March. Amp up your social calendar so you’re not alone. Make extra food and freeze it. Be proactive and stay ahead of the game.

FEEDBACK Regarding shared underwear (March 16):

Reader – “Why would anyone need to borrow someone else's underwear?? Her parents should buy her own underwear. This is the grossest column you’ve ever had to answer.”

Reader #2 – “This 12-year-old needs to learn some boundaries. If the mother doesn’t mind her taking her underwear, it’s their business.  But unless a child comes from a family of practicing naturists, she shouldn’t be walking about semi- or totally nude at 12, when the two males in the house are uncomfortable with it. Would the mother be okay with her son engaging in similar behaviour?  And has she considered that her son — even her husband — may be unwillingly aroused by his sister’s state of undress?  The daughter may just be immature, though she’s presumably into puberty herself, or she’s acting out sexually (even if her mother thinks it’s all innocent).  Regardless, it’s not about shame but about learning to consider others’ feelings.”