I can’t seem to make friends at 40 years old. My previous friends live a high-risk lifestyle, so we’ve grown apart. Now I’m scrambling to have any sort of meaningful friendships. I’ve been told I’m funny and witty and have an amazing personality, but after an initial meeting there’s no staying power. I’m either ghosted or not being engaged in any conversations.

I’ve created a book club; I’ve asked coworkers for people who share hobbies; I’ve volunteered at the Pride centre… but nothing sticks. I’m going to try some hobby classes but how do I create friendships that last longer than a day?!

Lonely

I can’t tell you why you haven’t found friends at this stage of your life. But I can tell you that it isn’t because of your age. Yes, as a child, in school, surrounded by kids the same age, it’s easy to make friends. But for many people it gets harder in high school.

Some people find it hard to make friends in university while others make friends in every class they attend. I know a young person struggling with this right now. The advice I gave her was to just relax and be herself. Turns out that she was so anxious about making friends, that she was creating a needy vibe and turning people off. Once she let the anxiety go, she made three new friends in a week!

Just be yourself. Don’t jump from book club to pottery class to hiking group in search of friends. Do what makes YOU happy. Once you’ve found happiness within yourself, people will be drawn to you.

I recently returned from a cycling trip with a long-time acquaintance/friend. We’ve never been super close. She organized the trip and invited me after the fact. I'm very spontaneous and jumped at the chance, and I was grateful for someone else's knowledge and experience.

While I’m super organized and the “producer and director” of family stuff at home, I knew I’d have to embrace the journey and relinquish my natural leadership character and accept her choices.

In short, the trip was a success. However, my friend lives in a cabin in the mountains with one other quiet person. I live in Toronto with a family of boys, their friends, our pets and our parents and I work in the performing arts industry.

Within 24 hours it became apparent that I had to be her version of me, instead of myself.

The admonishments and instructions began and never ended. Her lack of self-awareness was gobsmacking. I was literally reprimanded for tossing half a rotten ITALIAN grape into the FRENCH forest. Another goody was me laughing hard at something and being told the next morning to rein it in, the French are not loud, and she was surprised we didn't get a noise complaint.

I like her. I feel for her. But I'm pissed. We tried discussing the issue on the road. I spoke my truth, my frustration. Once again, she blamed it all on my loud laugh. Never once took ownership that SHE was embarrassed or uncomfortable. So, I shrank. I diminished myself. The only choice to move forward and have a relatively good time, right?

Would you address the issue again, now that we have some reflection time? Or would you let the issue and the friendship slowly dissolve?

Pas Pour Moi

That’s your call completely. You live on opposite sides of the country, so you never have to see each other again, without saying a direct goodbye. Or you could keep up the long-distance friendship. You could just let it take its natural course. Just know never to travel with her again.

FEEDBACK Regarding caring for seniors (Oct. 3):

Reader – “Having children is not a guarantee that you’ll have caretakers in your old age. What if they move to the other side of the world? If you have a fractious relationship with them? If they’re in jail? If they die before you? I recognize none of this solves the situation for Old Age Alone, but as a child-free woman myself, I know it gives me comfort to see it that way (especially when other people pose this same question to me).”

Reader #2 – “Being in my 90s I know those feelings. I have adult children but they’re not close by to offer help. This person should try to stay connected to friends and seniors’ organizations as much as possible.

“You need to be cautious of being taken advantage of, if you’re alone. If you aren’t involved in a church, try to join a book club; a good way to find like-minded friends.”