I have a friend who spends all her time taking care of her boyfriend’s family. His father recently passed away and his mother and grandmother are bereft. My friend goes over daily to sit with them, talk to them, and try to cheer them up a bit. But she has now started doing their laundry, cooking for them, cleaning their house and even doing their grocery shopping.

She is using all her vacation time and sick days to care for these people. I’m worried because her relationship with her boyfriend isn’t that strong (and I think he’s cheating on her) and I’m concerned she thinks this will put her in his good graces.

But I don’t think he really cares and I’m worried that she’s going to get very hurt.

Giving it up

At first, I wasn’t sure where the issue was with your friend’s kindness towards her boyfriend’s family. But the more you painted the picture, the more I saw what you see. Yes, if you think the boyfriend isn’t moved by her actions, and if he’s already cheating on her, then she is giving too much to people who probably won’t be in her life much longer. She may already have that feeling and is using these people as a distraction and a tether.

Visiting and running an errand or two is one thing; becoming the housekeeper is another. Your friend needs to pull back, slowly so as not to shock anyone. The grieving wife and mother probably don’t have any awareness of what’s going on behind the scenes. Once a week visits are sufficient. Making a cup of tea or bringing some fruit over is fine. But she needs to pull back for her own sanity.

You could suggest that she talk to her boyfriend about their relationship. Regardless, be there for her when her boyfriend dumps her (you made it sound as though that was imminent). She’ll need you.

My wife uses three mobile phones throughout the day. One is for work; one is private, as in, for me, the kids, her family members and friends; and one is for speaking to the people who hired her to do the job she’s doing though her employees think she’s the boss.

She almost never leaves any of these phones lying around, lest one of the kids or I accidentally pick it up. She guards the phones with her life.

Recently, while getting ready for work one morning, a phone was on the bathroom counter. Half asleep, I opened the weather app to see what the temperature was outside. Suddenly, a wet hand reached out of the shower and snatched the phone from me. My wife, who rarely raises her voice, yelled at me to NEVER touch her phone again.

Now I can’t help but wonder…. what’s on that phone that I would even care about?

No Trust

Good question. Have you asked your wife why she reacted so strongly to you checking the weather? If her reason(s) don’t match her actions, perhaps it’s time you two sat down and talked. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you can’t help but be suspicious that something unkosher is going on.

You and I could create possible scenarios for days but there’s no point. It could be work-related. It could be that she’s planning a huge surprise for you at Christmas. It could be that she’s having an affair. You’ll make yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

Tell her your thoughts and ask her, for the sake of your marriage, to show you whatever it is she’s so afraid of you seeing. If she can’t, and the trust is broken, then so, too, is the marriage. You two should probably speak with a marriage counsellor.

FEEDBACK Regarding the couple not in alignment (Aug. 20):

Reader – “By his own admission, this was an experiment.  So, apply the Scientific Method everyone learned in high school science.

“This guy has jumped directly to conclusions without applying ALL the steps in between. It looks like his hypothesis/expectations are not matching the actual outcome.

“Time to circle back and re-evaluate the actual results or perform more experiments.

“Is this discrepancy something he can live with or learn from? Or is it a deal breaker?  The survival of this relationship depends on his answer.

“Dating is the time of discovery.  So, learn.  Dating is one huge experiment, not just something they try for one summer.  The conclusion of which either generally results in committed relationship or break-up.”

Lisi – I agree that dating is the time for experimentation. But depending on your age and stage, every little issue counts. Know what matters most to you.