My wife has put on a lot of weight recently. I am pretty sure that I know why because she talks about it often and we spend a lot of time together. Her brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, and they were very, very close. She has suffered and is still grieving.
On top of that, she is in full menopause, suffering from many symptoms, including the weight gain. And she has been in a situation at work that has caused her much stress. It has been a very tough few years for her, and I’m guessing she has turned to food for comfort.
Time has passed, though, and she is aware of what she has gone through and what she is still dealing with today. I know, because she is vocal, that when she looks in the mirror, she is not happy. I know that she would like to get her old body back.
I’d like to help her, but I don’t want to turn into her trainer or be on top of her food intake. What can I do to help my wife?
Weight Gain
I’m so sorry for your wife’s suffering. It sounds as though she is going through a lot right now. I think I hear your support in your email, and this is not a dig, but I truly believe you need to lean in even more – if and only if she wants that. I don’t know your wife, so I don’t know what kind of woman she is with regards to you and your relationship.
She is talking about it, naming it, owning it. I don’t believe she needs you to point it out. However, you could start a conversation the next time SHE brings it up. You could gently say something like, “Honey, I love you. If you are unhappy with your body and would like my help to change it, I’m here for you. I love you no matter what, so only change if YOU want to change.”
If you are the person who does the grocery shopping, be conscious about what you purchase. Choose nuts over chips, for example, as your snacking foods. If you are the person who does the cooking, be thoughtful about what you make. Instead of a creamy pasta with garlic bread for dinner, make a delicious chicken salad. And if you spend a lot of time together, go for walks instead of watching TV. It’s a beautiful hot summer; take advantage of the outdoors.
Hopefully your wife knows that she will never get her old body back; but she can lose the weight and get in better shape and have a new body.
My spouse seems to close and retract rather than open up to me. It’s nothing new; we’ve been married for nearly four decades. But now that we’ve hit retirement, together, we seem to need to communicate more than we ever did before.
I thought this was going to be “our” time, our chance to things together. Unfortunately, we seem to spend less time together. We’re behaving more like roommates than husband and wife and it is slowly killing me.
How can I get my wife to talk to me?
Retired and Lonely
Some couples find retirement hard at first; it’s a big change! Try taking your wife on a date and talking to her about how she sees the next few years unfolding. If that’s too overwhelming, break it down to months. Does she want to travel with you? Does she want to keep her Monday Maj game? Is she willing to try couples’ pickleball?
Try making a monthly schedule that includes time together, time apart and trying something new. Good luck!
FEEDBACK Regarding dragon breath boyfriend (May 15):
Reader – “I’m a bad breath sufferer, but it’s my own breath that’s offensive. I have allergies that cause near constant postnasal drip, resulting in a bad taste in my mouth and smelly breath. Although they couldn’t help me, a visit to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist might provide some relief. I’ve also found keeping my mouth moist (sipping water throughout the day, sucking on sugar free mints and sneaking in a quick gargle) can help keep the dragon in his cave.”
Reader #2 – “I feel as though all the solutions offered were cosmetic. Maybe a visit to a dental hygienist and a dentist are warranted. There could be an underlying dental or health problem.
“Many people are afraid of dentists; if that’s the case, accompanying the person who is hesitant may help. There is a much greater understanding and empathy, over fears, than formerly.”