My girlfriend and I both have very busy lives. We’re both working hard in our careers to secure good positions. We’re in our mid-20s and both have lots of friends, so we socialize a LOT! Someone’s always throwing a party for some reason, and now some of our friends are getting engaged, and our older siblings are both getting married, etc., etc.

I seem to always be throwing in an errand on my way to or from work, or even sometimes at lunch. Just the usual stuff, like picking up toiletries that have run out, or picking up my dry cleaning. My girlfriend and I don’t officially live together, but she stays over all the time.

Whenever I am out, I always message her to see if she needs anything, or if I can do anything for her. She almost always says yes and I’m happy to oblige. But therein lies my problem: she never asks me if I need anything. She’ll come over after work with stuff for the bathroom, for her, but she won’t replenish the toilet paper, or buy me the toothpaste I use, for example.

Is she just selfish, self-centered or immature?

Unsure boyfriend

You mentioned that you don’t live together, but from your description, it sounds as though you live on your own. I shouldn’t, but I’m going to assume your girlfriend still lives at home. That would explain her short-sighted behaviour.

Again, making assumptions, let’s say she lives with her parents. She’s probably used to replenishing items for her washroom at home, not her parents’. So, it could be a combination of immaturity, ignorance and being self-absorbed.

Before you lay judgment, why don’t you just ask her why she doesn’t inquire if you need anything when she goes out. If she looks at you like she has no idea what you’re talking about, then just explain how healthy relationships work; that is, you think about each other’s needs and happiness at every turn. That’s why when you go out to run errands, you ask her if she needs/wants anything. Tell her you would like her to do the same.

If it never occurred to her and she learns and changes, then yay. If she doesn’t, then she’s not the person for you IF THAT MATTERS TO YOU. It may not. You’ll have your answer once you speak with her.

There’s a mom at my daughter’s school who drives me crazy! Her daughter is part of the “group” and is a sweet, funny, easygoing child. She’s lovely whenever she comes over and it’s a pleasure to have her around.

But her mom is a pain in my you-know-what. She never reciprocates and invites my daughter over for a playdate. She kiboshes many a playdate because she can’t pick her daughter up EVER, no matter what the time or day. And she NEVER speaks up when a carpool is being discussed.

None of it would matter if they lived near myself or any of the other families in the group. They don’t live far, but it’s not walking distance and it’s always in the “wrong” direction. I know the mom works, but she’s not an emergency room doctor, works relaxed hours and only has this one child. Why can’t she participate?

Too Busy to Parent

Don’t judge without knowing all the facts – and you may never know. Maybe she doesn’t drive. Maybe she doesn’t drive on the highway, or in the dark. Maybe she has a parent she cares for. Maybe she’s super shy and insecure.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, accept her limitations and work around them. You’re not going to change her.

FEEDBACK Regarding three’s a crowd (Feb. 27):

Reader – “While cognitive decline is a possibility, my instinct was that the sister is being abused by her husband, and he’s insisting he hears all her conversations. That they live out of state, and he’s presenting as ‘a great guy’ to the rest of the family is also a red flag, part of the pattern of isolation typically present in domestic abuse.

“If it is abuse, presenting a narrative of cognitive decline could do a lot of damage and risk further abuse and alienation for her sister, while also raising doubts about her sanity, and this common abuse tactic could be used to gaslight the victim, and the family, while upholding the abuser as the voice of reason. This often plays out in domestic violence cases and can be a reason a woman is limited from accessing finances, appropriate care, or even private discussions with medical providers that might help or empower them to leave.”