My parents divorced when I was about nine years old. They fought behind closed doors, so I didn’t know. They fought in the summers when I was out of town visiting my grandparents, so I didn’t know. They fought on the weekends when I was with friends, so I didn’t know.

To me, it was one big unhappy surprise. I was mad at them. I chose to not speak to them. I acted out.

Now my own daughter is 10 and I want out of my marriage. But I don’t want to do to her what my parents’ divorce did to me. I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want her to feel she has to choose between her mother and father, ever. And I assure you, there are times when a child needs to make that choice. As simple as, do I want to go to a movie with dad or have dinner with mom and her friend from out of town?

But my husband and I are no longer in love or in sync. We come at every decision from opposing sides. He is negative about everything. I’m trying to stay positive. I just want out. I’ve been thinking about this since the New Year.

But I don’t want to hurt my child. What do I do?

Generational Pain

They say January is the month with the highest divorce rate. For some it’s probably because the year has come to an end, the holidays were overwhelming, and they feel enough is enough. For others, but similarly, the new year is the time to have a fresh start (though divorce can take months, even years, to finalize).

The most important issue is whether you and your husband have tried to salvage the marriage, or if you’re just done and uninterested in any therapy. Divorce is hard on everyone, even the person who wants and instigates it. It’s a huge change in your daily life (often including a move, sharing time with your child, losing some friends because they “belonged” to the spouse, losing some friends because they can’t handle having a single friend) and a huge change for your daughter. You’ll both need help navigating this new change.

You shouldn’t stay with your husband because you’re afraid of creating a pattern and imitating your past. But you should speak to a therapist who specializes in children and the effects a divorce has on them. Work together to do your best to mitigate the aftermath.

My boyfriend and I are in a tumultuous relationship. We love each other but know we can’t be together for a variety of reasons that we can’t change. Our chemistry is insane and whenever we’re together, we end up falling into bed. We both know we shouldn’t and that it’s not helping us make a clean break, but we just love the sex.

Not seeing each other is not an option because our lives are very intertwined. We’ve been together just under a year, so he has a lot of stuff at my place and mine at his. We met through friends, so we share them too. And a bunch of us work in the same building.

How do we extricate ourselves from each other?

Too Hot to Quit

Why can’t you just enjoy each other until whatever the reason is that you both feel you shouldn’t becomes too pressing? It’s clear that you’re managing to get around it now. Why pull yourselves away from someone you love and have great sex with? Just have fun!

FEEDBACK Regarding the sister, the best friend and the boyfriend (Jan. 22):

Reader – “A young woman enjoys a relationship with a fellow she loves but her sister and BF don’t. There’s another player involved here and it’s The Green-Eyed Monster (aka jealousy) which was unleashed by the sister and the BF.

“Crossroads needs to trust her feelings.  Some people with blah or miserable lives can’t stand it when someone close to them is happy. If Crossroads wants to go to the next level with her beau, she should jump in and forget about the sister and friend trying to hold her back with their unkind remarks.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the complainer (Jan. 23):

Reader – “I understand the writer's frustration but I'm wondering - has their wife always complained or is this new behaviour contrary to what her personality is usually like? I'm wondering if it's more than just dehydration. Could there be other issues, like stress, depression, B12 deficiency, hormonal imbalance or something else? It might be worthwhile to see their doctor.”