Do you know why my man says he loves me, dances around marriage by saying, “I’m going to ask you to get married,” but then never asks me? Whenever I’m the least bit distracted, not as helpful and loving, he’ll say, “You’re pulling away. I know you’re going to leave me. Do it now if you’re going to leave me, etc.”
We’re both 40 years old, with children from previous relationships and we each got burned in those relationships. But we’ve been seeing each other for four years and I’m ready for a commitment. We break up and then one of us says, “I miss you so much” and then we’re back together again. But we don’t live together and never have.
He's very unhappy and stressed due to the previous break up and finances. I get it, but I’m as loving as possible and keep reassuring him, though I’m getting exasperated with the situation.
He has also blown up at me whenever I try to discipline the children. I’m often in charge of his children. He thinks mine are not well brought up and his are fine. Seriously? They’re all the same. He says we can live together once the children are 14 and 15. The youngest is only eight years old and I don’t want to wait that long.
We’re either together or we’re not.
Very tired and hurt
I understand your upset and frustration, but to be fair, four years is not that long for two people who are in a second relationship, and who have children and exes. He may very well mean what he says when he declares he’s going to marry you…. One day, when he’s ready. The discrepancy is that YOU’RE ready now.
I suggest you two sit down and discuss a timeline that works for both of you. He’s pushing for another six years, and you need to tell him that you won’t wait. It’s not an ultimatum; it’s working together to create the best possible future.
He also sounds insecure, always convinced that you’re about to leave. By setting a timeline, you’re giving him assurance that you’re in it for the long haul. You two have both been hurt and you don’t fully trust the other one. I suggest some couples’ counselling to get everything out in the open BEFORE you commit to each other.
My husband doesn’t seem to think that my work is as important as his, though we bring in almost the same salary. Granted mine is lower, but again, not by much. I also work from home, which to him somehow signifies a decreased importance in the actual work.
Whenever the kids have an appointment – doctor, dentist, whatever – he just assumes that I’ll move my schedule around to accommodate. And if I can’t, then it’s up to me to find a replacement, such as a grandparent, or change the appointment. When they were younger, I was happy to do it because I wanted to. But since they’ve all been at school full-time, I’ve amped up my work to help pay for our lifestyle and I’m busy and successful.
How do I get my husband to appreciate me and respect me as an equal?
The lion’s share
You two would benefit from an easy cost-benefit analysis. Just look at how much you don’t earn when either of you takes time off work. If it’s similar, then you need to share in the responsibilities of a present parent. Look at their activities, dates and times, and even out the commitments. He takes the older one to baseball; you take the younger one to soccer, or whatever. Figure it out together so you don’t resent him.
FEEDBACK Regarding why women turn sex off (Jan. 11):
Reader – “You failed to mention another possibility: that her religious beliefs are so strong that she feels once they’ve finished procreating, sex is sinful after that.
“I just finished an affair with a married man whose wife gave up sex 25 years ago when their son was born. Now they’re trying to make their marriage work.
“Religious beliefs can breakdown marriages.”
Lisi – You may be right, but based on your activities, I’m not sure you should be judging other people’s sins.
FEEDBACK Regarding ditched and dumped (Jan. 16):
Reader – “I think you completely missed the mark. He found his former girlfriend ‘snuggling on the couch with another woman.’ She up and left because she’s a lesbian and wasn’t up to discussing it with him.”
Lisi – I think you missed the mark. I read ‘another woman’ to mean the letter writer was also a woman. Identifying as lesbian wasn’t the issue.