I was shocked when my older brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. But I was thrilled when she accepted. We were already close friends! We attended the same courses and graduated the same year.

Maybe it was being so comfortable together, that made us feel like more than sisters-in-law. Thank heavens for that closeness and trust, because within six years we were both raising babies. Hers are now ages five and four, mine are three-year-old twins.

I felt so lucky then, to have such a great connection and trust in each other.

Now, everything’s changed. My brother is involved with another woman. She’s 40, older than him by six years (he’s 34) and, like him, has a responsible job in a large company.

My sister-in-law and I, and our respective parents, are shocked. None of us had any clue that this was happening. My brother moved to the woman’s condo, visits his own children once weekly, and visits me and my kids occasionally.

Our parents and long-time friends are openly shocked. They keep asking me and my sister-in-law “what went wrong?” We need help in our own lives as well as for the young children we’re raising, to even try to understand and explain what went wrong in this once tight-knit family.

Can you help us find a path through our pain and confusion?

Lost Family Connection

Some of the answers are inherent in the third major person involved in this turn of events and alliances: Your brother, his “ex,” and, if it’s possible to explore his mind further, even you and your close family.

While two “besties” female friendships developed in earlier school ages, your older brother may have felt isolated from similar warmth and closeness.

Since both mothers had small children to raise, even a father of the kids might have felt ignored or distanced from all the activity involving the youngsters.

Neither of these facts are to place blame on you, his sister, or his wife – it takes both parties to have a healthy marriage.

Meanwhile, the single woman has a condo for just two adults, likely doesn’t make demands on him (perhaps not yet), and he has space to relax when away from work.

Also, if he’s feeling any guilt for this move, he’s not going to change it.... not yet.

He needs help understanding himself, regarding distancing from his own children and immediate family members. Even if he believes that he deeply loves (or needs) this other woman, his behaviour signals a lack of inner strength. Instead, he’s leaning on her to justify his actions.

I urge you, his sister, to reach out to him to talk. You, especially, know your brother’s family history. If there’s something from the past blocking his emotions and decisions, help him realize these factors, and encourage him to consider getting personal counselling. Even just a few sessions can be very enlightening.

FEEDBACK Regarding my “thoughtless family” (Dec. 9):

Reader – “My elderly mother lives alone. For years I've become more annoyed at my family members. Mom asks me to check the mailbox on her birthday and holidays. She’s genuinely disappointed when there are no cards from family.

“She recently fell and is in hospital. No one sent cards or flowers. I visit her daily, help her with exercises, etc.

“I've always had difficulty airing grievances with family and turn a blind eye to things that bother me. I want to address their lack of compassion. Do I say something about it, or just focus on me?”

Upset for Mom

Lead by example for Mom’s sake, including your own thoughtful gestures. Gently encourage family. Some family members will never change... accept that.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding “Distanced Family” (Dec. 8):

“The letter-writer’s parents sound like mine - very good at making their offspring feel guilty. It took me years to figure this out. No matter what I did, they were never pleased. As my mother declined in health and ability to care for herself, I cooked larger meal portions and froze some for her. My husband also made her a batch of peanut-butter cookies.

“I delivered the meals and cookies. A few days later my mother called telling me to pick up the stew I made her because ‘it was too thick,’ and the cookies were too ‘sweet!’ She also wouldn’t let me do her washing because she didn’t like how I did it.

“For my own mental health, I cut my mother loose and that’s what this letter-writer should think about.

“Concentrate on your own family and friends, and don’t get sucked into parental guilt games.”