When my now-fiancé and I first started dating, he’d ask me questions about my past relationships, wanting to know every detail of each boyfriend/fling/etc.
He’s conservative and so am I. However, I’m 30 and have had several experiences that I feel ashamed of sharing and would rather keep in the past (they’re not major but he’s so insecure that he cannot imagine me with someone else).
I had to lie on several occasions because of fear of judgement and because he overreacted when I tried to say something.
I stopped sharing after this, but guilt started hitting me while reading posts about how we should be honest with our partners and not keep hiding our past, etc...
My past is really nothing compared to other women my age, and I never felt it was that important until he made me think so.
A few weeks before he proposed, I wanted to disclose a few more things to relieve that guilt and fear that he might find things out in the future since one of the guys I was involved with and he had mutual friends.
He immediately overreacted before I even said the full story... so I left part of it still hidden.
He had me swear that what happened was just this and just that... so I did because it was now more about my safety. I was afraid that he’d harm me or himself if he found the full story.
He later met my family and proposed to me and said we should forget our old arguments, but I still have this fear of him finding out things about me in the future.
I wanted to disclose everything, but I couldn't. The only way he’d find out is if he "met" one of my ex-boyfriends or hook-ups and they told him.
Does this often happen? Do guys talk to their ex's current husbands and spill some secrets from past relationships? How can I overcome this fear and stop worrying about the future?
Shadowed By My Past
Please look at the words you’ve used describing your fiancé and your relationship: “He’s so insecure, he overreacted...”
Worse: You needing to relieve “guilt and fear... now more about your safety, afraid he’d harm me or himself,” “fear of him discovering things about you in the future...”
These fears are a recipe for marital disaster, unless something changes between you two. Worse, that change could be heightened distrust from him, more controls that he places on you, increased feelings of guilt/fear that prevent you from walking away.
Yes, some men do carelessly blab to others about a woman with whom they had a hook-up, even in earshot of her now-partner or his best friend who repeats... just as women also spread tales for their own reasons.
For your safety and future peace of mind, I urge you to stand up to your fiancé now, telling him you won’t accept his badgering any more.
You’re an adult woman who, when unattached, was free to date, have sex, even hook-ups, just as many adult men behaved similarly. You’d made no vows of virginity to your fiancé when you dated. The rest was your business.
Some people believe in disclosure when dating. But the biggest clue that should’ve stopped you, is this man’s “insecurity and overreacting.”
Stand up to him now. Tell him he must stop interrogating you. If he won’t and still shows distrust, break the engagement. For your safety.
I love my husband of 20 years but am concerned. In restaurants, he’s talked to women at other tables, being charming, looking directly at them. Sometimes there’s touching: hugging, kissing on cheeks. I feel he’s disrespectful.
He had a past emotional affair that became sexual with a former co-worker, during a previous marriage. He initially said it was innocent/friendly when they began texting daily. I found out 16 months later. He asked for a second chance, marriage counselling, forgiveness.
We now seem stronger as a couple. But his over-friendliness thing has started again. Am I too sensitive because of the affair? Should I express my feelings? How?
You have every right to be sensitive about a husband’s flirting with other women, When he’s with you, it’s VERY disrespectful. Express your feelings AND your bottom line: The flirting must stop. If he’s unwilling, get counselling yourself and decide your response.
Tip of the day:
A single adult woman’s dating history of mutually consensual sex with unattached people, is her business only.