My wife died at 45 - my son was a teenager, and we both seemed to go separate ways. He’s had debt problems, strained relationships, been in and out of jobs. This caused me a great deal of frustration, anger and stress. 

I became involved with a co-worker; over eight years, we did everything together - vacations, renovations to my house and hers, and socialized. I said I needed to work some things out before we could marry, she said she was fine with that.

She was diagnosed with cancer, underwent surgery and chemo, then her father passed away. I supported her through both. But the night her father died, she slept at my place and overheard my son and I arguing heatedly about his asking for money. She was furious with me.

Then my father’s health deteriorated until he passed away. I was depressed, confused; we spent every weekend at her house, and did no socializing.

She started distancing from me; although we saw each other at work, there were no more weekend plans. She didn’t answer or return my calls.

Finally, she said she wanted a break, but gave no reason. It’s now permanent.

Why did she refuse to discuss anything with me? I loved her and wanted to get married eventually.

- Confused

You’ve done nothing wrong, but missed doing something right. Without showing an unconditional commitment to her – in this case marriage – you both let life’s hardest tests come between your partnership. 

She needed you most the night her father died, just as you later needed her… but your ability to turn away your attention prompted her to question the relationship, and begin withdrawing her own committment. Perhaps because you’d had a first marriage and family and she hadn’t; or perhaps because you appear to not handle your emotional life with full engagement, she didn’t feel a real partnership.

If you still love her, you’d have to try to woo her back with a ring in hand, and a heart devoted to being her fully bonded husband.

Though both my husband and I have jobs, there’s never a guarantee in a recession, so he’s looking to tighten our budget and not overspend.  

I have a problem with him buying coffee everyday. I make a pot in the morning and we both bring travel mugs with us. But at his work, staff takes turns buying a round from a coffee chain store. He says he can’t get out of it, as it would look bad.

He also justifies it as a part of our entertainment budget.

I think $10-$15 per week is a huge waste, and unfair to the family. Am I being unreasonable?

- Annoyed

You’re being unhelpful. Hubby has a long-standing “social” situation with his co-workers that you’re negating, but he can’t. 

The $10-15 weekly is NOT entertainment, but is a work-related food expense, like lunch.

If he weren’t buying the round, would he still be buying for himself? Is a mid-day coffee a habit/stimulant he’s not ready to give up, and do you similarly have some inexpensive pleasures (chocolate? unnecessary cell phone calls?)

However, if you’re both committed to cutting every expense possible, work with him on a way to suggest to his co-workers that they change the pattern. Example: He could ask if others feel it’s an “extra” they want to cut back, even reduce it to a once-weekly treat. But don’t push your man on this.

His workplace is his territory, not yours… and this is a relatively minor “extra.”

I’m 24, never dated, but have been talking for three years to someone half the country away; he can’t travel here, as he entered the U.S. illegally. I’m unsure if I should be the one to travel for us to meet. 

He wants to marry. He seems very nice but anyone can say anything over the phone.

Should I just go? What’s the worst that can happen?

- Strangers

Several “worst” possibilities: 1) he wants legal immigrant sponsorship through marriage to a U.S. citizen; 2) he’s “talking” to several long-distance potential candidates, hoping to snare one; 3) he has a wife/girlfriend back home; 4) he’s not at all the person you think, from your minimal contact and little experience. 

Test him. Say you met someone else and now just want to be long-distance friends, you hope he’ll keep calling. If he continues to call, and you do visit, take time to know him.