My partner of seven years and I live separately, although I spend 90% of my time at her house with her two kids. 

When we’d initially lived together in her home (for two years), she and her kids never tried to accept my values nor share their home – it’s their family home from her previous marriage.

Her children barely acknowledge my existence despite my active participation in their lives and my presence for a greater part of their lives than their own father.

My partner often ridicules or belittles my values and accomplishments.

The upside is that our physical relationship is extraordinary. Since we’re in our 40s (my kids are in university, hers still in elementary school), is this the time to evaluate the relationship?

She’s refused to consider counselling.

- Scary Future

You already both “evaluated” when you agreed that it was too difficult to live together. And your partner has sent a clear message: I’m in charge of my home and kids, but want you here for the sex. 

This is an arrangement, not a partnership.

If you can be happy with living this way, fine. But since you have doubts, you should go to counselling yourself.

Your “partner” hasn’t wanted anything to change; she never exercised her responsibility to children with a new man in their lives, to ease their acceptance of you.

So the next move is yours. Talk to a professional about what you get out of this situation and whether it’s enough for the long-term. Or not.

My boyfriend of five years and I were both headed towards a Christian life, but he’s recently become an Atheist, based on some research he was doing. I’m blown away by his change in thinking. 

We have a good relationship but I wouldn’t have dated an Atheist because that’s too much of a difference in personal values. I feel betrayed.

Previously, the other problem we had was his place is such a dirty mess – dirty kitchen and bathroom counters, and toilet – I’m afraid to touch anything. He does try to clean sometimes but poorly, as he doesn’t see “the dirt.”

I think visiting him could actually be unhealthy because of bacteria issues.

I won’t eat any food he prepares because I’m afraid I could get sick.

I was thinking of breaking up with him over this but wondered if I’m shallow?

- Confounded

You can stop examining the dirt and looking for more excuses, you two are NOT a fit. 

Your personal values on hygiene and health would clash constantly if you lived together – unless he changed and you modified - and it is not “shallow” to want to avoid that scenario.

But a basic conflict of belief system, especially if you each are strongly committed to your own views, makes the breach far wider.

It’s time to recognize the differences, agree to disagree, and part as amiably as possible. This isn’t about rejection it’s about mature and sensible selectivity.

Why is my good friend, who’s 36, still living with his parents? He asked me for a relationship, but I don’t want one with him because he also has no job. 

Is there anything that I can help him with?

- Concerned

Back off. He doesn’t need another adult looking after him. 

Your instinct to avoid a relationship is right on, so cool the friendship awhile. He needs a strong message that there’s no point in his wishing – and depending – on more from you.

After five years together, his controlling mother told him to pick between her and me. 

She and I have never gotten along and I put up with her only for his sake. She even picked a fight that resulted in our wedding being cancelled.

I still feel the same for him but can’t stand her always feeling like she’s more important.

How do I stop feeling like it’s my fault that he’s hurting so much over what he calls a lose-lose choice?

- Lost in Love

Tell him he can win peace of mind once he recognizes that a fiancée is a “partner,” while his mother is now only “part” of his life. 

However, you also need to recognize that partnership carries the responsibility to compromise.

If HE stands up for whatever you two decide as a couple, and YOU stop competing with her, there’ll be only her occasional opinion, but nothing she can control.