My sister-in-law always calls my husband to complain about me, also convinces our three kids to do things that we don’t agree with, and constantly tries to insult me to my family.

I’ve tried to talk to her about this, however she continues to do it.

She’ll go out partying during the week, sleep downtown and come home the next day, leaving her husband and son at home.

She’ll challenge me in front of my daughter, “What can you do if she gets a tattoo?” She knows we’re set against tattoos.

I sent her a text about this, but she denied any wrongdoing, said these are just my opinions, and she doesn’t want to deal with me any longer.

I said that’s fine, that my husband and I and our kids keep nothing from each other, and if I hear any more negative comments I’ll let her know.

What would you do?

Fed Up SIL

I’d feel delighted that the contact is over. I’d explain to my children that for some reason their aunt is jealous or bitter for her own reasons, not because of anything we did.

I’d say though that’s a shame for her, but she’s an adult, and undermining our family is NOT acceptable.

I’d ask my husband to talk to his sister one more time, in a caring way, and ask if she’s troubled about anything she’d like to talk about. If not, or she raises the same old stuff, he’s to say he’s sorry but he can’t allow the backbiting to continue so that’s it for contact.

Lastly – I’d tell myself – that’s YOU in this case – to stop feeding on this stuff too.

Several years ago, a group of girls turned their backs on me because their ringleader was unjustly angry with me.

Since this happened, I’ve had a great deal of anxiety and avoid many social situations where they might be.

Intellectually, I know it wasn’t my fault, yet I’m always anxious. I think I’m moving on somewhat, just can't understand why I’m still like this now.

Shunned

You were shaken up by their unfair exclusion. But it said more about them – weak followers, without personal integrity – than about you. Now YOU can make the stronger statement of who you are, by showing you’re over it.

Walk into a room with confidence, take a pal/relative along if needed, nod at the girls rather than avert your eyes, and walk on. If you end up near any of them, look them in the eye, and keep moving. The message you need to convey is that you have moved on, and they’re not worth your worry.

If you can’t do this yet, don’t go. Not out of fear, but for the practical reason…. why bother?

Comment - I recently got divorced after two years’ separation. He was already involved with somebody; I have not yet dated.

Although I’m coming out of my depressed state and moving on, I’m still not ready.

I’m re-discovering who I am, what I want out of life, and what type of man I’d want to date.

I don't know what the future holds, but I’ll live day to day with no expectations.
I like coming and going as I please, wearing what I want, and not having to dress up to please “the man.” I'm pleasing ME!

I think people should not jump from one relationship to the next. After all, you're just replacing one bad relationship with another whole set of problems.

FEEDBACK Regarding the wife who hasn’t had sex in 15 years (May 8):

Reader – “I was in that situation years ago, and after trying to discuss things with my husband, I sought intimacy with another man.
“The relationship lasted a few years, mostly emotional, not physical.
“Circumstances revealed these facts to my husband. Although I explained that I love him, the hurt is too deep. Divorce is the coming reality.
“I will lose him. I’ll probably lose my adult children, my home, and the respect of friends. The other man’s family will also know the facts. He’s a very well-respected person, who also stands to lose everything.
“A few moments of unfulfilling sex were not worth it. If I could turn the clock back, it’d never have happened.
“Sex is important. Couples who distance from sex together need a frank discussion, to discover what they’ve lost, that first brought them together.”