When I was 12, I spent the summer with my mother's older sister. This aunt was very kind to me and convinced me to live with her. She made me call home, and mom seemed fine with it. Over time, my aunt became more and more dictatorial and mom would cry about me leaving her.   She never asked me to return home, just made me feel guilty about my choice. But I was too frightened of my aunt to incur her wrath.

Thirty years later, they both had died, a year apart. While going through my aunt's papers I found documents where my mother gave my aunt custody of me on the day she left me to supposedly "spend the summer."

Now I feel I was lied to, and cheated. I made choices based on lies. I have great anger toward both of them for making me feel I had to choose between them, when they'd already made the choice for me.

There's no one left to shed light on what transpired. The only possible clue was a distant cousin who said family had wondered if I wasn't in fact, the unmarried aunt's child all along. She had nothing to base this on but gossip, and my strong resemblance to the aunt.

Short of having one of my siblings have a comparative DNA test to see if we share the same mother, how do I work through the anger and rage I feel?

Confused Daughter

The DNA test may answer only one question, whereas you have many. What matters now is learning how to accept that two women who both clearly cared for you (and showed it in different ways) made a choice for you that affected your life.

There are several aspects to grasp: during those first formative 12 years, you were under your "mom's" influence, while as a teenager you were more controlled by your "aunt." They had their reasons, rightly or wrongly, but clearly "mom" worried about their choice and transferred this guilt onto you.

A good therapist can help you integrate these different influences to help you define yourself as you are today; no matter which woman was your birth mother.

Then, have the DNA test if you still feel confused. However, if you achieve peace of mind without the test, don't bother, as it may then affect your relationships with other members of your family.

I cheated on my husband with one guy. Now I want this marriage to work out, which my husband always knew I wanted. But he doesn't feel love for me anymore. He has no desire to be with me, he's not even comfortable being around me.

I have a problem having a conversation with him about how I feel... that I do love him with all my heart and also, we have a daughter together so I do truly want this marriage to work. How do I convince him?

Shut Out

Apologize. Do it in person, even if he stops further conversation. Show him by your presence, your caring, and carrying on with the everyday things you do as a mother, and contributor to your marriage.

If there's no softening of his barrier against you, suggest you both go to couples' counselling to air out what happened and how you can prove your commitment to him. He may refuse to go.... then get counselling yourself to work out how to handle this distant relationship and what other options you should consider.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young husband rarely interested in sex (Nov 5):

Reader - "Don't disregard the option that the husband may be a closet homosexual; it's very often (from personal experience) the case. He'll do everything possible to hide it and carry on to protect his secret, and maintain his 'heterosexual' marriage and family.

"Eventually, a marriage or intimate relationship that lacks sex or is totally void of sex and/or intimacy cannot last."

Ellie - "Yes, this is sometimes a reason, but other factors such as over-busy lifestyle (mentioned by the wife), alcohol consumption, and health factors all have to be considered too. If there's no other explanation, then whatever hidden reason exists must also be explored, including this suggestion."

FEEDBACK When someone's drinking behaviour becomes embarrassing (Dec. 2):

Reader - "The husband should videotape his wife when she's "corked," along with others' visible disapproval. Show the tape next morning. It'll open up her eyes."