My husband was a consolation prize, and a terrible one.
I’d waited for years for a married man to leave his wife for me as he kept promising. But he remained with her.
Getting older and wanting to have children, I returned to an old fling from my youth.
The problem is that my husband is not the man of my dreams and only a rebound that stuck.
The married man I wasted my time on has a successful, accomplished career. My husband hasn’t worked in years and sits around playing video games.
I make good money and support us, while he drinks and smokes his life away. We also couldn't have kids.
If I could do it all over again, I would not have married him. He’s lazy and unambitious.
I need a man that has dreams beyond completing the next level of a game.
I feel trapped. What should I do?
Get “un-trapped.” The bind you’re in is of your own making, but fortunately you don’t have to stay with a man you don’t love or respect at all.
You don’t have to support a partner who contributes nothing, and you can change your own life rather than just regret your choices of the past.
Times have changed. A woman doesn’t have to have a man to be happy. You can afford to support yourself.
You can adopt a child if you still want to take on motherhood… or you can volunteer with credible agencies or community projects to help children/teenagers who need strong female role models.
Re-write the sentence “I need a man that has dreams…” and start working on your own dreams.
If you have the health and will to improve your life, it’s not too late.
My daughter, 38, is attractive, has her own house, a good-paying job. Now, she’s let her boyfriend of nearly-20 years move in because his dad kicked him out.
He’s paid no rent over the six months he’s been there, never pays when they attend family functions requiring a gift.
She worries about him. But I’m worried that if he stays longer he’ll try to get part of her house.
He lost his driver's licence on a DUI so she drives him around. He has only a basic job after being unemployed for several years.
If she’s truly in love, I’ll say nothing, but I think they’re just comfortable with each other.
He’s an alcoholic and smokes tons. He’s nice enough when not drunk, but when he tells stories he tends to lie. He doesn't have a passport or health insurance.
I keep saying she deserve betters and the clock is ticking on having kids.
If she reads the question and answer above, your daughter will find that not improving her situation (or theirs together) only leads to regrets.
However, that applies only if she sees her life the way you see it.
Twenty years is a long relationship with a guy who offers no ambition and no financial help, while spending whatever he has on alcohol and cigarettes.
To me, it sounds like she’s spent 20 years thinking she couldn’t do better, and that’s the deeper problem here.
You naturally want more for her, but she has to find the self-confidence to go out and get it herself.
Instead of telling her what’s wrong with her boyfriend (she already knows), give her the gift of several counselling sessions.
If she accepts your gift, say nothing more.
FEEDBACK Regarding the wife who continually blamed her husband for everything (Dec. 12):
Reader – “Blaming behaviour is a pathological, extremely destructive behaviour, usually learned from family patterns or as a child’s way to avoid harsh punishment.
“It does more damage to marriage relationships, and parent-child relationships, than realized.
“But it can be unlearned with some help.
“I know, because I was a blamer! But I was completely unconscious of it, and the harm it was doing to my relationships.
“I came from a blaming family and thought this was perfectly normal.
“It wasn’t until I trained as a specialized foster parent that I discovered this nasty attribute of mine and learned how wrong/ harmful it was.
“Once recognized, I stopped my behaviours. Not only did everyone around me become happier, but I myself had much more peace.”
Tip of the day:
Don’t wait for someone else to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.