My ex-husband of 15 years left three years ago because he believed I had an affair (I didn't). Since then, he’s become angry, bitter and determined to make my life miserable.     
      Any direct contact via telephone or in person becomes an ugly exchange. He won’t listen to logic, or negotiate; he makes demands and if I don’t agree, he threatens legal action.       
      He’s using our daughter, age 11, to attempt to control me. He’s called the police and children’s services (each time it was found there was no basis for concern). He’s attempting parental alienation as he constantly tells our daughter that all problems and issues are my fault and that it’d be better if she lived with him.      
      I’ve suggested co-parenting co-coordinators, mediators, couselling; he’s refused all.     
      I want our relationship regarding my daughter to be reasonable, respectful and courteous but he’s making it impossible.
      - Wit’s End

Don’t waste your much-needed inner strength on wishing for unlikely pleasant and peaceful scenarios. There’s deep-rooted anger here – possibly because of whatever led him to believe you were unfaithful, or because of his own personality weaknesses.     
      Meanwhile, you need to help yourself and your daughter handle dealings with him.    
      Get counselling yourself and be open about the past, so that perhaps you can understand him better … was he always jealous, were there other major disappointments at work, or other losses, etc.?    
      Also, ask for guidance through the legal system so that your ex’s threats don’t alarm you, or force you to agree to things that you think are wrong for your child.     
      Your daughter may also need some counselling help, since she’s being pulled apart in her loyalties.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m 37, female, living at home with my parents, scared to move out on my own. My mother can be the most helpful, sweet person; but most often, she’s resentful, angry, defensive and mean.
      Few conversations occur without her feeling personally attacked and thus retaliating. Example: If I close the door to my room, she gets upset and feels slighted because I wish some quiet time.     
      As a result, I’m afraid of everything - relationships, going out, trusting others. But recently, I realized I was being controlled by her ways. She’s overprotective and has created fear in me since I was a child. She’ll still tell me not to drive at night because I may have an accident or be car-jacked.
      I also fear her moods (which can last up to weeks). I wish to break the cycle. She’s been this way all her life; why? Is she depressed? How can I get help for her and myself?  She’s refused to see a therapist, even if I go with her.
      - "No Way Out"

The “way out” DOES exist, but you have to find it within yourself. You’ve already started that effort by recognizing that you’re living your mother’s dictated lifestyle, not your own, and accepting her fears (e.g. every rational driver tries to avoid accidents, and so can you).     
      Forget about analyzing your mother. It’s time to focus only on you – your priority is to move out. Unless you fear for your safety from her, announce your intent to move and start looking. Ignore her moods, these are control tactics. She may feign sudden illness, too – call a doctor.
      You have a right to your own life. Once settled, you can then be a caring daughter on your own terms.

Dear Readers - In a November 3 column, a woman who’d already lost 50 pounds was concerned because her boyfriend would often say, “I can’t wait till you’re skinny," and make her feel guilty if she indulged in a small treat. Many of you had a personal view on this; here’s one:    
      “She should immediately dump this guy. Even if she tells him to back off, his obsession with thin women means he’ll still be watching every bite she takes and finding ways to show his disproval.     
      “She’s entitled to the occasional treat. She seems to have that under control. I’ve been there, done that, still doing it and it’s under control. Even my doctor says it’s okay, for my morale, though I’m a diabetic.    
      “I’m no longer overweight – my weight gain came after a back injury. And you were right to tell her to keep in touch with her doctor.”