My wife and I have been married for three years. We met in university, dated for two years until graduation, and then moved in together right away when we both got jobs in a city neither of us were from. It made sense financially to just live together. It worked and as I say, we’ve now been married for a few years.
We recently decided to start trying for a baby. It’s a good time in her career to do so. We were having lots of trouble over the past six months, so we started testing. We discovered that I’m shooting blanks. In other words, we can’t make a baby with my sperm and her egg.
I’m sad and surprised, but my wife is devastated. I know we have options, but she won’t talk about any of them. I’m considering leaving her so she can find a husband with whom she can have a family. Do you think that’s the right thing to do?
Not a Baby Daddy
No, I don’t think you should leave your wife, whom you love, so she can make babies with someone else. Has she asked for that? Your wife is mourning the loss of what she thought WOULD be. She needs your support, not a new husband.
I suggest you make an appointment with a fertility specialist, together, to hear what your options are. I am not an expert, but they are, and hopefully they’ll help you navigate this (perhaps major) hiccup.
I do know that there are MANY ways to bring a child into your life, through adoption, surrogacy, IVF, and help from friends, family and strangers.
Work together with your wife. Yes, this news has rocked her. She obviously had different hopes and dreams. But they’re not impossible to achieve – they just need to find a different path. Lean into each other and your love.
My mom left us when we were still kids. She hated our dad and couldn’t see herself spending another minute with him. One morning we got up to a special breakfast, extra special packed lunches and our usual routine. When she dropped us off at school, she gave us big hugs, told us she loved us and to have the best day ever.
When we got home from school, our grandmother was there, just like normal. But Mom never came home. Dad was worried at first…. Until he found her note. Then he was just mad.
We made it through those rough years thanks to the love of our father and the help of both sets of grandparents. Mom had disappeared on her own parents too. We were fine, healthy, successful and happy.
About a decade later, when we kids were in university, we got a call from the police that our mother had been in a terrible car accident and was in the hospital in another province. We, her children, were listed as her next of kin.
We agreed to go out together – safety and comfort in numbers – to see her and assess the situation. It was critical but she’s now on the mend.
And she wants to reconnect. We’re not sure how we feel. Thoughts?
Abandoned
This calls for a family discussion, with a third neutral party, and I suggest a professional. Your dad might feel that you’re disrespecting him by reconnecting with her, which isn’t true, but he’ll need help navigating that. One sibling may be completely uninterested while another may be curious. As young adults it’s important to recognize that you don’t have to agree, as long as no one is getting hurt by anyone else’s actions. Discuss the options, show sensitivity to all the players, and then do what feels right in your gut.
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple who can’t find compromise regarding music (April 22):
Reader – “I suggest that he buy Bluetooth headphones and wear them whenever she requires silence for her reading. I also suggest she get noise cancelling headphones to wear whenever she wants to read but he wants to listen to music.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the aunt with bad breath (Feb. 27):
Reader #1 – “There are several medical reasons for halitosis, including Esophageal Diverticula, which are small out-pouches that form on the esophagus. These pouches can trap food leading to other problems more serious than bad breath. Recommending a doctor’s visit could be helpful, as the problem can result in an increased risk for aspiration and choking.”
Reader #2 – “Bad breath is a classic sign of diabetes. It’s also a sign of gum disease or other poor dental health. The aunt should be encouraged to see her physician and her dentist.”